cross-posted from: https://linux.community/post/3355635
long post
I’m reading “A Field Guide to Earthlings, An autistic Asperger view of neurotypical behavior” by Ian Ford, one of the final patterns: Why you will generally lose.
If you scroll back my history you’ll find some posts where most of you believe I am on the spectrum.
I haven’t been diagnosed: Where I am it is extremely difficult to find a decent psychiatrist to do a test that would be several days long, are several miles away and have long waiting lists, but I do believe am on the spectrum. It’s like the book I’m reading describes me. I really don’t get neurotypicals and why won’t they leave me alone, specially when I do leave them alone.
Back to the book: “Even if we could give up our strengths and go to the basest level of NTs in some areas (for example, abandoning our love of accuracy), that would still not enable us to adopt their strengths, such as sensory integration, and we probably would not be able to memorize their constantly-changing culture. So in that sense it is hopeless.”
This is me. I love accuracy and I find NTs illogical, emotional and sometimes backstabbing, lacking authenticity. I like authenticity. It’s also very tiring having to constantly guess what the person I talk to is going to understand of my message: the message itself or some odd interpretation of it that somehow attacks his self esteem. So tiring.
I’ve been accused behind my back of being manipulative, uncaring, rude, and also a sociopath. Once this impression is given, it is impossible to make people change their minds, including management. I usually don’t fight it because, really, fighting gossip? that’s sticking to 5 year old level politics and what’s the point? The book I mentioned says enemies who don’t fight will lose, but it’s so tiring fighting every stupid thing (most of?) my coworkers think I am.
I don’t know.
Then there is how most society constructs us: as people who WILLINGLY decide to want to be left alone and act antisocial, who feel above everyone else who NEED to be either ignored or must be molded to fit in, even if that’s something they don’t want, because that’s what’s good for them, just because that’s the extroverted neurotypical norm. They don’t see introversion and solitude as self caring, but as depression, being an ass and being antisocial.
I’m living exactly this at the workplace and I hate it: I’m seen as robotic for doing exactly the same thing others do, but because they talk about inane stuff with management, they are automatically better than me. They never see me as solution oriented, eager to learn or concentrated on doing the task at hand. I’m always the odd one that lacks potential.
“If it is a setting where people are trying to be live up to high moral standards, you might just be the target of rumors; in groups with lower standards, the eviction or shunning could be more open and forceful. In either case, you lose.”
yup. I always lose.
If you’re a neurotypical and now you suggest this is my fault, I’m overreacting, it’s not so difficult to do small talk, if I can YOU must can, and I have to fake being an extroverted ass, get bent. Would you change your whole personality just because society dictates you must? Could you live with yourself?
But, if conforming to a neurotypical extroverted model is out of the question, how do I live the rest of my life?
I don’t mean the question as a financial one: I’m a RN quitting bedside who applied and got a job moving oxygen dependent patients that require monitoring between wards, so at least I’m not unemployed, don’t have to deal with entitled patients complaining about cold coffee, not good looking cushions, lack of tv, what’s good to have sex with women… I’ve been promised uninterrupted 30 minute pauses and no night shifts. Hope it’s not a case of the grass is greener…
It’s about what to think about society, because I always expected people to mind their business and leave me alone (because I leave them alone, I don’t bother them), I never expected them to be this hostile.
My logical step now would be to become a misanthrope, but I don’t know if that would be good or bad. It’s not like I have a high opinion of mankind anyways.
It’s just gradual improvement and creativity. This means just tackle each problem individually, whenever you have the strength to, and solve it in a way that works for you, because “traditional” solutions likely won’t work for you.
It’s essentially “keep fighting” but expressed in a way that it isn’t really a fight, you can do this improvement relaxed as well.
For example, I’ve at some time adjusted my field of work to be 100% remote, and now I’m seeing how to change even that. I’ve eliminated Interactions with undesired people almost completely.
It’s a spectrum, everyone’s on it. You just have to keep doing what you’re doing, and don’t end up a fascist. The bar is pretty low. Keep eating, stay hydrated.
I’m training myself to spend more time doing what makes me happy, and less of what I have generally expected of myself. I read a whole book last week.
I’m in my 50s, always feel like an alien, and still think I’m 19yo. Was diagnosed with "Asperger’s (known as HFA os ASD mostly these days) about 10 years ago.
You will never not feel this way, but I see it like we’re playing the world on hard mode so every success means so much more to me.
You have to constantly work on your mental health and general attitude to life. Try to prioritise what is actually important so you can let the other (NT bullshit) stuff go. And watch out for the signs you are getting too comfortable and are about to get things wrong. Bottom line for me is to never give up, you can learn how to get on in life.
I’m guessing that wasn’t what you wanted to hear.
We each have different challenges. I decided years ago to try to understand people like I understand machines. It has mostly worked for me.
I don’t have a full answer, unfortunately.
My own experience - people as individuals are way more tolerable than in groups. My best jobs were where I could work with kids or work 1-on-1 with others, with a task based focus. Dynamics and politics are hell.
It’s much harder in most of the work world, especially in the field you’re in it seems, but if you can find some other neurodivergent folks (even one or two) to surround yourself with it’ll help keep the full misanthropy at bay.
I do my best to prioritize downtime and personal mental health outside of that as another extra barrier against the rot that is “NT” society. I’m not sure even neurotypicals like what’s expected socially, to be honest.
At the end of the day, even though it may seem like it otherwise, you’re not alone. Introversion/nerdiness/autism isn’t as horrendously rare or bad as extroverts make it out to be, and many those of us like you have similar feelings. Sometimes remembering there are other humans like you and you do have some kindred spirits out there, somewhere, can bite that despair back just a bit.
Godspeed in the meantime.
My producer does an almost strict carnivore diet, as plants do NOT treat those with autism very well. That he’s learned from experience, sadly.
I know people on the spectrum that are vegan in my life and they are doing just fine. There are also famous vegans on the spectrum such as Greta Thunberg. People with autism often have greater senses of justice and because of that might gravitate towards veganism.
That could be due to what they choose to eat. However, over time, plants can have some wild health effects that even autistic people would notice. That’s why my producer, Neigsendoig, sometimes does a form of Dr. Berg’s Keto without the cow’s milk whenever he misses nutrients.
Autistic vegan who used to shit herself whenever she ingested animal fat over here. My digestive system is happier than ever since I stopped eating animal products many years ago.
Also an autistic vegan here! I’d wager that the % of autistic people in the vegan community is higher than in the general population. I didn’t do it for any health reasons, but going vegan was a nice way to find out I’m lactose intolerant and food isn’t supposed to hurt.
Yeah, between the strong sense of fairness, textural sensitivities, and the tendency towards consistent foods (1), I would expect autistic people to be more commonly vegan than the general population.
- I don’t know how to describe this, but I tend to seek out a couple easily prepared/stored foods I enjoy that combine to make a well balanced diet and only eat those for months/years at a time. Though my husband would spontaneously combust if I did that now (not a complaint, he cooks lovely food for us every night and enjoys doing it), before we met, I went for years eating oatmeal with raisins and almonds for every breakfast and beans and rice (mixing up the ingredients with each batch to cover vitamin deficiencies) for every lunch and dinner. I was very poor, but I’d be lying if I said it was a difficult sacrifice to make.
I also didn’t go vegan for health reasons and my doctor and I were just happily surprised that my gallbladder issues resolved themselves without surgery, lol. I wonder how common that is.
I understand if people are unable to tolerate animal fat due to a health issue requiring plants to fix it. However, my producer and I are the opposite, as we do consume plants in moderation.
You might be the opposite, but that’s not universal.
