I’ve always made up a person to fit in. Masking has taken a toll and I hate the person I’ve pretended to be. That person is boring, polished, and an over achiever. Since.I was punished severely on a daily basis at 4 years old and afterwards, my true self never was known to me. Only my self who could survive.
Where do we find our unmasked real self after reaching “the big one” burnout? When your braim stops working, you’re no longer functional, and the person you made can no longer be sustained, what do you do?
I’m in my 40s and it’s rough.
oh damn, are you guys all just me in alternate realities? Is this thread the rift linking all of us together? Also, 40s, also unmedicated, also aimless and depressive.
My mind keeps going back to my high school years—learning English and having friends I’d see every day, getting graded and held to standards in an environment I’d excel at.
Now my English is near-native, no one sets any guidelines for my work except my pay, I don’t talk to anyone from high school anymore, I’m a different gender, portions of my brain are dead, and I walk with a cane. I end up having to play obnoxiously complex solo board games at three in the morning just to get my brain tired enough to sleep.
I think I miss when I was younger and had the support of my peer group and teachers supervising, instead of the aimless isolation (relatively; my wife is great and she’s always there for me) of this world here.