I’ve always made up a person to fit in. Masking has taken a toll and I hate the person I’ve pretended to be. That person is boring, polished, and an over achiever. Since.I was punished severely on a daily basis at 4 years old and afterwards, my true self never was known to me. Only my self who could survive.

Where do we find our unmasked real self after reaching “the big one” burnout? When your braim stops working, you’re no longer functional, and the person you made can no longer be sustained, what do you do?

I’m in my 40s and it’s rough.

  • ZMonster@lemmy.worldEnglish
    16·
    1 day ago

    Same boat friend. I can’t hold a job for longer than a few years and I live in an area where there are very few options so my resume is a disaster. Once I’m in a place for too long people start to notice my quirks. At first it’s funny and cute, but then it gets difficult and people turn on me. Misunderstandings build and compound. Some people even see my imperceptiveness as a weakness for them to exploit.

    But there is one job that I am trying to pursue again. It involves travel, working remotely, seeing new places all the time, and meeting new people for a few days at most. For me it was electrical inspection and investigation. What this means is my mask only needs to be worn for a little bit at a time. Even if someone notices my quirks, it’s received as charming and then I’m gone forever. My coworkers are too busy doing the same to really care, and I only see them once a year at best.

    The pay was shit so I left but now it’s worth the hit. This last year has been devastating for me:

    • fired over a misunderstanding days after picking up a new car that:
    • I can no longer afford,
    • everyone told me was a bad idea,
    • and days before it would be discontinued,
    • took a job that destroys my soul but can’t afford to leave,
    • mixed up meds and ended up in hospital
    • was involved in a wreck that I may have caused by inattentiveness and ended up arrested and back in hospital,
    • diagnosed with functional neurological disorder with nearly uncontrolled essential tremor,
    • couldn’t afford healthcare so I stopped being treated for CPTSD, anxiety, and SI,
    • and the VA just put me on a “watchlist” - a nurse told me that I exhibit every red flag of a veteran at risk of harming themselves. Cool cool cool.

    And all of this during the dumbest time in human history. Economy is trash, job market is a veritable dumpster fire, Odyssey was so loud I had to walk out holding my ears because my loops did nothing, and every day I just go home and sit under the kitchen table with my toddler and cry. He holds my face and sings a song he made up for me, “it’s o-kaaay, it’s o-kaaaaay, it’s o-kaaay, it’s o-KAAAAAY”. That song is my tether to sanity.

    Burnout baby. My routine was my foundation for life and it’s gone. I don’t even pretend to have a long term mask anymore. I don’t engage with anyone. When I’m at work, I treat my interactions as if I didn’t exist after COB and had no personal opinions. I keep asking short questions that demand a lengthy response and let people crumble under the weight of them listening to themselves carry the entire conversation. But it never comes back on me and I’m such a blank slate that I have no personality at all.

    I think I get it. I have no solutions. But I’ll sit under your kitchen table and cry with you if it helps. I’ll even sing you the song. It really does help.

    Oh, and neurodiverse people don’t hear this enough, but you are important and you are loved. Even when we don’t feel it.