TouchMacaque

This is the receptionist at my doctor’s offices husband’s truck. He’s always trying to get me to play some videogame he developed called “monkey crunchers from dog cock Island”. I told him I’m not interested but he keeps following me around assuring me that the title has nothing to do with the game itself and that it’s actually a soccer game like FIFA but with crabs vs lobsters. I asked him why he chose that name for a crustacean soccer game and he became irate and threatened to reverse my vasectomy.

You’d be surprised at the shit people cry about. Free foreskin onions, hotdog and coconut salad, masonry paint on cars, dead children…etc.

My favorite way to make them cry is to stuff a cocktail onion in my foreskin before my neighbor’s great aunt goes down on me in the McDonald’s parking lot and then SURPRISE!

By following these easy steps:

1. Go to craft supply store and buy clay.

2. Press clay along a broomstick to make a mold.

3. Bake it.

4. Pour piss from bucket into mold

5. Freeze it

6. Remove frozen piss from mold

7. Have me sit on the fridge and use the frozen piss broomstick as a butt dildo

8. I get startled by flat earth disc and hop off fridge with frozen piss broomstick in my ass and get impaled.

9. Collect life insurance and donate to the flat earth society.

Fuck me with a bucket of pee, I had no idea the earth was so flat compared to other planets.

I’ve got a game called look at pornography and masturbate on public transit. I get in trouble whenever I play it though so I started just screaming at the top of my lungs every 77 seconds instead.

I once had such intense hallucinations while I was sleeping that I thought I was in a completely different place. It made absolutely no sense.

I met this cougar the other day who told me she keeps a handful of Roblox in her cock pocket to try and attract young men. I asked her if it works but she said they’re always too busy looking at their phones to go out to cougar bars.

Build me a custom one where the horse is on its back and it’s Shlong is a bidet attachment. I will pay you 6 dollars.

“Smithers got his cock sucked by a reindeer” to the tune of Grandma got run over by a reindeer is probably be best Disney song released since they bought Fox. That Frozen x Simpsons crossover episode was wild.

Epstein used to inject mustard into his urethra and then jack off and call it mustard custard. He’d feed it to his guests, it was awful for the 7 years I was held captive there.

It’s this what youngsters do these days instead of cocaine?

I’m gonna fill it so full of mung beans

The best part about shitting yourself at a urinal is that you’re already in a bathroom so you can clean up.

The worst part about shitting yourself at a urinal is that you shit yourself.

Hell yeah buddy give me a hit of that

The pigeon being interviewed is John Titor, when he returned to his future the government was mad that he traveled back in time to talk to people on message boards so they transferred his consciousness into a pigeon. Now he’s just stuck trying to get some kind of pigeon job. He’s a cheeky bastard though he tricks people (not me) into thinking the white stuff he leaves all over the deck at my house is delicious bird yogurt.

We’re all going to play a game of piss disc ultimate frisbee after school, you should join us

My deaf vocal coach told me he started using ringworm cream instead of toothpaste and he said it’s worth the extra cost. Didn’t say whether or not it made any kind of difference with his teeth but I trust his judgement. He’s the top deaf vocal coach in the world, he trained Urethra Franklin, Harmonica Lewinsky and even Goku, it’s how he’s able to do those great power up screams.

My neighbor’s aunt is a prostitute and I paid her to lick my acorn a few weeks ago for my birthday, I bet this is hers. She had some pretty whacked out teeth but it wasn’t because they were bad, she just had some kind of experimental glow in the dark tattoo of her name on them. She’s my favorite hooker in the whole wide world.

I used to think bears were cool but not after seeing this. Everyone knows the best way to eat a steak is charred and covered in vanilla yogurt.