I try to be kind, upbeat, etc in my interactions with other people, especially at work. I want to treat others well, work together peacefully, and leave the project happy. I’ve noticed that some people (particularly more curmudgeonly folks) seem to read that attitude as naïveté, and feel like they can walk all over me or treat me like I don’t know what I’m talking about. Why is that?
They see it as a vulnerability they can exploit to get what they want. This is a reminder to use strong boundaries. You can be kind but also strong.
Knowing when to set boundaries and sticking to them is not one of my strong suits, admittedly. But it’s something I’m working on.
How do you know when to set a boundary? How do you enforce it without feeling like an asshole?
Check in with yourself during/after interactions and explore your feelings/thoughts that came up. If you experience negative emotions after an interaction, ask yourself why. Did they say or do something that made you feel uncomfortable - ie: being controlling or physically being too close. Keep a list of this and update it. This will tell you what kind of boundaries you need to set and which people violate those boundaries. Then you can decide how you want to set the boundary - the boundary could be imposed on you (ie: you leave the room), the boundary could be imposed on the other person (ie: you tell them how you feel and tell them the consequences). The latter really depends on the kind of relationship you have with the other person.
I was in the same situation as the OP and I have done both the things you have suggested and guess what they didn’t change anything. Yes the day I told them what I felt and walked out of the room, felt reliving, as I did what I wanted to do and the next few days felt different too. But things came back to being bad as they were before.
And this made me think that, I shouldn’t have been the nice/doormat guy I was from the beginning itself and be more open about my views and opinions which would make me look like a strong character. First impression is everything and you really can’t do anything after they’re set.
You cannot control other people. And as I said, bouandry setting with others is a case by case situation. The next step would be to limit your interaction with them - this could be from changing your routine to something more drastic like changing jobs/going no contact.
To add to what others have said, boundary-setting is a skill we develop over many social interactions. It may feel awkward or mean setting a boundary initially, but it’s essential to maintain one’s “social battery” and priorities/sanity.
Speaking of priorities, those are a good indication as to when setting boundaries is helpful. For example, you have an important appointment to get to, but a family member/friend is asking your help with something at around the same time. Communicating you have a prior engagement at the time of your appointment while being willing to help out after, or giving them suggestion on how else they can get the help they need, is you setting a boundary of what you can do with your time.
When we have concerns of feeling like an asshole, we want to consider from where that originates. Sometimes we’ve been raised around family members or “friends” who take advantage of another’s kindness and treat people maintaining boundaries as the villain (e.g. “Why are you leaving us hanging?/ Why couldn’t you help me/your Old Man out this one time?”). This is often a sign of emotional immaturity/ poor insight, empathy, and/or self-awareness. Healthy connections will respect your boundaries and maybe check in later if a raincheck is suggested. When interacting with people who don’t respect “no” as a full sentence and answer, sometimes reminding them of our limits and empathizing with the person’s situation can disarm them.