long post
I’m reading “A Field Guide to Earthlings, An autistic Asperger view of neurotypical behavior” by Ian Ford, one of the final patterns: Why you will generally lose.
If you scroll back my history you’ll find some posts where most of you believe I am on the spectrum.
I haven’t been diagnosed: Where I am it is extremely difficult to find a decent psychiatrist to do a test that would be several days long, are several miles away and have long waiting lists, but I do believe am on the spectrum. It’s like the book I’m reading describes me. I really don’t get neurotypicals and why won’t they leave me alone, specially when I do leave them alone.
Back to the book: “Even if we could give up our strengths and go to the basest level of NTs in some areas (for example, abandoning our love of accuracy), that would still not enable us to adopt their strengths, such as sensory integration, and we probably would not be able to memorize their constantly-changing culture. So in that sense it is hopeless.”
This is me. I love accuracy and I find NTs illogical, emotional and sometimes backstabbing, lacking authenticity. I like authenticity. It’s also very tiring having to constantly guess what the person I talk to is going to understand of my message: the message itself or some odd interpretation of it that somehow attacks his self esteem. So tiring.
I’ve been accused behind my back of being manipulative, uncaring, rude, and also a sociopath. Once this impression is given, it is impossible to make people change their minds, including management. I usually don’t fight it because, really, fighting gossip? that’s sticking to 5 year old level politics and what’s the point? The book I mentioned says enemies who don’t fight will lose, but it’s so tiring fighting every stupid thing (most of?) my coworkers think I am.
I don’t know.
Then there is how most society constructs us: as people who WILLINGLY decide to want to be left alone and act antisocial, who feel above everyone else who NEED to be either ignored or must be molded to fit in, even if that’s something they don’t want, because that’s what’s good for them, just because that’s the extroverted neurotypical norm. They don’t see introversion and solitude as self caring, but as depression, being an ass and being antisocial.
I’m living exactly this at the workplace and I hate it: I’m seen as robotic for doing exactly the same thing others do, but because they talk about inane stuff with management, they are automatically better than me. They never see me as solution oriented, eager to learn or concentrated on doing the task at hand. I’m always the odd one that lacks potential.
“If it is a setting where people are trying to be live up to high moral standards, you might just be the target of rumors; in groups with lower standards, the eviction or shunning could be more open and forceful. In either case, you lose.”
yup. I always lose.
If you’re a neurotypical and now you suggest this is my fault, I’m overreacting, it’s not so difficult to do small talk, if I can YOU must can, and I have to fake being an extroverted ass, get bent. Would you change your whole personality just because society dictates you must? Could you live with yourself?
But, if conforming to a neurotypical extroverted model is out of the question, how do I live the rest of my life?
I don’t mean the question as a financial one: I’m a RN quitting bedside who applied and got a job moving oxygen dependent patients that require monitoring between wards, so at least I’m not unemployed, don’t have to deal with entitled patients complaining about cold coffee, not good looking cushions, lack of tv, what’s good to have sex with women… I’ve been promised uninterrupted 30 minute pauses and no night shifts. Hope it’s not a case of the grass is greener…
It’s about what to think about society, because I always expected people to mind their business and leave me alone (because I leave them alone, I don’t bother them), I never expected them to be this hostile.
My logical step now would be to become a misanthrope, but I don’t know if that would be good or bad. It’s not like I have a high opinion of mankind anyways.
Your personality is the problem, not the fact that you’re on the spectrum. I know plenty of autistic people who are very pleasant to be around, even those who are heavily introverted. If you put negative energy out towards people, they’re going to give it back to you.
You’re assuming a lot from a few paragraphs, and in a way proving their point. The assumption that some autistic people are pleasant so it must be possible for many is just plain wrong. There are autistic people that can’t speak or that constantly scream and being around them is difficult with personality being meaningless in any interactions with them.
They openly admit to doing the bad behavior back to them.
There is no need to go for confrontation, asking why someone talks so little might just be a way of trying to include them in a group or getting to know them, and it sounds like OP just responds as hostile as possible. They could just say “I’m comfortable talking little” or whatever.
why is answering a question with another question confrontational? this is a boundaries issue.
I can’t believe I have to explain this, but here it goes: if people talk much or less is purely subjective: what to introverted A is too much is for extroverted B too little.
extroverted B asked from his subjective point of view, introverted A simply answered from his also subjective point of view.
Why is this confrontational to you?
wrong again, I calmly state that question. You seem to believe I start yelling at them or looking at them as if I wanted to hurt them.
my main question to you is this: why is answering a question with another question confrontational? this is about boundaries.
By getting “why do you talk so little?” and responding with “why do you talk so much?”, You’re doing what they do to you back to them. This is not hard to understand. You don’t like it, so they don’t like it. You’re essentially “proving your point” by taking revenge. The only thing they hear is that you’re taking revenge, your point is lost. It doesn’t matter how exactly you say it, you can say these words in the nicest way possible, and this exchange still sounds confrontational.
If it was about boundaries, you could say something along the lines “I don’t like these kind of questions, I am perfectly comfortable being quiet, with this question you make it sound like something is wrong about it. I get this question all the time and I don’t want to answer it anymore.”
Do you see the massive difference between yours and this response? This kind of response is directly stating exactly what you feel, explaining how their question is a problem for you. The other is hoping they will understand by you doing the same thing to them, which will obviously not work because like you say, they’re different from you, thus they won’t have the same reaction as you.
It’s not really an assumption. They basically said as much themselves. Some autistic people can be dicks too.
it’s not my job to entertain you. you speak like an extroverted neurotypical who thinks he knows better.
I already see extroverts upvoting you :D
do you have the ability to listen to boring stories with a smile on your face?
I’m an autistic introvert and upvoted them. You really don’t see how you immediately go for personal attacks and derogatory behavior? You don’t need to tell people they’re being boring. You can just leave and not interact and thus not hurt their feelings, and thus not have conflict with people.
where did you get that from? I don’t tell them directly they bore me, that’s what I think as I imagine leaving.
actually that’s not true: if extrovert A says something I don’t care about, I wait patiently till he ends it and I leave, he will feel offended (an extrovert explained this to me). I don’t understand it but apparently it’s like this.
I’m not talking about in real life. I’m talking about your comments right here that are that way. You also edited your comment here, at first you were saying something about the person you’re replying to sounding boring.
Why even ask if you’re just going to deflect opinions you don’t like?
Hope you get some help, dude.
because some people here offer good advice