You sound very cisn’t to me for what it’s worth. Feelings of ambivalence are often disassociation from the fact that you aren’t able to be yourself. After getting a taste of euphoria, it becomes more difficult to live the way you used to. You also start to want more; often more than you ever imagined you’d want.

In my experience, it becomes much harder to invalidate yourself as you experience more euphoria and allow your desire for change to grow. A cis person wouldn’t enjoy escaping the confines of their own gender, and wouldn’t feel so disappointed if they’re unable to do so.

And remember, the only thing you need to be another gender is the desire to be one. There are no special gatekeepers; those that try to gatekeep only deny the truth. You can just be an enby if you want; it’s that simple