It’s not really an ideological thing for me, and there is no logic behind how being perceived makes me feel. I’m not a trans woman because I think I should be free to be who I want; I am trans specifically because I have no choice in the who I am.

I too was taught that gender didn’t matter and that gender stereotypes and roles were only restrictive limitations. Ironically, this was a big reason as to why I didn’t figure out and accept who I was sooner. I definitely appreciated not needing to be manly, but I also felt like I shouldn’t mind what my gender is because the whole concept was repressive. I felt guilty for wanting to be girly, for wanting constructed aspects of gender like shaving my legs or meeting conventional standards of womanhood.

I still think the whole thing is silly, but I now know that my gender isn’t a choice. It’s not just easier and more comfortable to be feminine for me, it’s the only way I can really exist. If I don’t feel feminine enough, I literally feel like I want to die no matter what I want to believe. Me being this way doesn’t invalidate people who fall outside of the binary, as they have as little choice in who they are as I do. Even if someone can literally choose to be whatever gender they want, they didn’t choose to have that privilege.