Sometimes it’s not because of trauma or being raised by narcissists. Sometimes it’s because you’re neurodivergent and asking for/accepting help lands you in a minefield of social rules, obligations, AND SMALL TALK that require a lot of excess work, time, and goddamn mental energy to navigate when all you wanted to do was move a stupid couch and go back to your day.
OR you could spend five quiet minutes to do it alone with a clever work around that involves none of that garbage.
I recently moved out of my apartment into a new place and when I reached out to friends to help me move some larger pieces of furniture, I suddenly found myself in the middle of a scheduling conundrum where people were telling me what time and day they were individually free. I was trying to coordinate with them to see when was best for them. Then it hit me, I was asking for a favor not planning a party. It then became very easy for me to just consider most of them busy. I moved 90% of it by myself. I got one friend to help me move 2 pieces of furniture that I could not physically disassemble and that was that. That friend gets a reward for the help and I’m still a little bitter that everyone else was too busy.
Asking for help moving will show you really how far some people will go for you.
Asking for help moving will show you really how far some people will go for you.
That’s quite the drastic conclusion to draw from people telling you when they are available (and that not being literally always) to help you for something you most like presented as not critical or dramatic when you asked them. Do you seriously expect people to preemptively cancel all their existing plans based on a hunch you might judge their whole character and the sincerity of your friendship on the sole trigger of a seemingly innocent “hey, when would you be available to help me move?”?
If you want to at least give people a chance to adjust, don’t ask “when are you available?”, instead try “[date] is when I want to move, can you fit helping me then into your schedule?” at least a few weeks ahead of that date.
There’s a bit more to it than that and I mostly agree with what you’re saying but I was in a bind and people who I’ve dropped everything to help in short notice, did not reciprocate. That’s all.
Sometimes it’s not because of trauma or being raised by narcissists. Sometimes it’s because you’re neurodivergent and asking for/accepting help lands you in a minefield of social rules, obligations, AND SMALL TALK that require a lot of excess work, time, and goddamn mental energy to navigate when all you wanted to do was move a stupid couch and go back to your day.
OR you could spend five quiet minutes to do it alone with a clever work around that involves none of that garbage.
I recently moved out of my apartment into a new place and when I reached out to friends to help me move some larger pieces of furniture, I suddenly found myself in the middle of a scheduling conundrum where people were telling me what time and day they were individually free. I was trying to coordinate with them to see when was best for them. Then it hit me, I was asking for a favor not planning a party. It then became very easy for me to just consider most of them busy. I moved 90% of it by myself. I got one friend to help me move 2 pieces of furniture that I could not physically disassemble and that was that. That friend gets a reward for the help and I’m still a little bitter that everyone else was too busy.
Asking for help moving will show you really how far some people will go for you.
That’s quite the drastic conclusion to draw from people telling you when they are available (and that not being literally always) to help you for something you most like presented as not critical or dramatic when you asked them. Do you seriously expect people to preemptively cancel all their existing plans based on a hunch you might judge their whole character and the sincerity of your friendship on the sole trigger of a seemingly innocent “hey, when would you be available to help me move?”?
If you want to at least give people a chance to adjust, don’t ask “when are you available?”, instead try “[date] is when I want to move, can you fit helping me then into your schedule?” at least a few weeks ahead of that date.
There’s a bit more to it than that and I mostly agree with what you’re saying but I was in a bind and people who I’ve dropped everything to help in short notice, did not reciprocate. That’s all.
So true. Was able to get a 200kg safe in my room alone. Didn’t wanted to ask someone
For me it’s both