or to keep the peace, maybe you think it’s not a big deal but your partner, friend, coworker, parent feels otherwise.
Do you apologize just to validate him?
I always though if I don’t feel bad about it, fuck it, I’m not apologizing, deal with it. It’s not my fault you’re so thin skinned. Grow up.
Now I’m thinking I should be more empathetic and apologize, just to make the aggravated person feel validated, even though I don’t feel bad (or that bad).
This gets more complicated because many times coworkers feel offended because I don’t share my personal life with them or I’m so concentrated on my job that I don’t notice them. Do I apologize for not noticing them?
There are times when apologies are more of a social lubricant or a way to signal you aren’t angry or hostile. Quickly apologizing for not hearing your coworker and asking them what they need might speed things along and get them away from you faster. You don’t need to feel any real sympathy for them. In this situation, an apology is more like a rote phrase said to ease into conversation and allow the other person a few seconds to move from “get their attention” mode back to “thing i need to say to them” mode.
For personal information, the purpose of an apology is just to slightly gentle the blow of not answering the question. Useful for maintaining a neutral relationship with coworkers. If the question is reasonable but you don’t want to answer (how was your vacation? do you like a particular musician?), you might consider tacking on an apology. If the question is out of line or inappropriate in that environment (are you gay? do you have a good relationship with your parents? what’s your body count? why won’t you give me $100?) a lack of apology gives them less opportunity to press.
Anyway, that’s where I’m at with it, but I’m not known for being socially adroit. A real apology is longer and comes with recognition of harm done, etc. You’re so sorry you spilled that coffee on their lap. You’ll watch where you’re going from now on. Do they need a first aid kit or some towels? The kind of day to day apology for not hearing someone is just a brief acknowledgement of them as a human so you can both get on with things.
Thats sort of disingenuous and also inauthentic tho. Its really not helping anyone when you affirm non-existsnt grievances
Is it a grievance or mild irritation? People constantly annoy each other over small things. If someone is genuinely deeply angry to the point where it’s a grievance about the little things in the original post, that’s a different matter.
If “sorry” for small inconveniences feels wrong, other vocalizations can take their place and serve the same purpose. Like “whoops” for dropping something or “hello, what do you need? i have to get back to this pretty quickly, though” for getting pulled out of work by someone with a question.
It doesn’t feel fake to me because this is just how “sorry” is used in these contexts. “social lubricant to move on from minor inconveniences and acknowledge the other party’s humanity” may not be in the dictionary, but it’s how it’s used over and over again, and that’s what language is. Shared, agreed on meaning. Is this prone to huge amounts of error? yup! Communication sucks when you aren’t naturally inclined to pick up non literal meanings for things.
Normally, I’d tack on an apology here for rambling, or going on so long, just as an acknowledgement that my inability to say things consisely is an inconvenience to read for other people. That would make this a shorter paragraph, and hopefully make people more inclined to engage in their reply to me with good faith, since I’ve shown my awareness that what I typed could’ve been a slog for them to read.