I see now that a big reason for my behavior was that I actually wanted to be a girl. I’ve always been jealous that girls were usually the ones being picked up. I wanted to be complimented, I wanted to be cute and I imagined myself as girls I liked… However, I thought at the time that transfems always ended up as ugly beings who look neither feminine nor masculine. Well, now I know that not only beauty is highly subjective, but also there are also non-binary people. And that many trans people are virtually undistinguishable from cis people, but they receive the last media attention… guess why.

So yeah, I would try to tell myself in the most gentle way possible to research the topic