I was viciously transed against my will by TotallyNotJessica’s memes.

I actually just let myself try being the slightest bit femme “just to see how I’d feel” and it felt so good it shattered my whole conception of myself.

It was when Madeline from celeste taught me how to dash twice

I spent my life thinking I should have been a girl/woman. One day I realised I was.

Of course, it was a bit more of a journey than that makes it sound, but that’s the gist of it

When I worked in retail some customers would approach me from the back to ask me something and because I have long hair they would call me “moça” (miss or lady in portuguese) before seeing my face. It made me feel a sparkle inside me and I started questioning myself.

Actual trans knowledge: About 7 or 8 years ago I found an egg discord and hung out there learning until I was sure I had the right answer.

Earliest major clue: Saw Beetlejuice when I was 6 and really wanted to try on the red dress Lydia wears at the climax of the film. That night while I was lying in bed, moonlight falling through lacy curtains cast a shadow on my arm that looked like a long black lace glove, and I was absolutely fascinated by it.

I’m a child of moonshadow.

My last ever girlfriend asked me, after we had broken up, Do you think you are a girl? I said yes. I had convinced myself that for years I had this shameful fetish. That liking feminine things and clothes and such was some perversion. Once the lightbulb came on, I started looking at all of these “shameful” things I had done. Things from my childhood actually made sense.

I’ve lost a lot by being the real me, but I’d still do it again.

I remember as a child wanting to dress as a girl. This was met with violent rejection by my family for the most part. I learned quickly as my personality was forming that parts of it were dangerous and scary, and to never show those parts. As I grew media showed me that Trans people were at best mentally ill, but most often paraded as sick, dangerous freaks. I felt like girls were more interesting, but I was just a boy.

I identified as male most of my life, but I resented it. Men just dont look good, arent interesting to look at, so what’s the point of nice clothes? Male spaces are toxic, sports are boring, but of course im a guy so im not allowed in the girl spaces I wish I could be in. When I was a teenager I discovered anime, specifically ranma 1/2, and holy shit did i wish I could just turn into a girl. Still a guy though.

Everything developed into fetishism, because I learned that what I was feeling and doing was perverted. And the only spaces where it was expressed was through kinky spaces. I got lucky in that I found a long-term relationship that allowed me to express myself, and explore the feminine part of me. But I was still a guy.

As an adult I was vaguely dissatisfied with things. I was in a great relationship, still am. But I hated playing, dressing up or whatever because I would always have to put it away to go out into the real world. I remember my spouse once asked me how I felt during a scene, am I a boy or a girl in the moment? and I was annoyed because the thought I had was that im a girl, always a girl. Still didnt get it.

One day im driving along having a conversation with myself as I do when im driving. It was a conversation I’ve had many times wondering about certain quirks of my creative process. But this time a little subconcious voice popped into my head to answer. It said “maybe you do that because its the only time you can ever feel entirely like a girl.” And i said, “what?” And my subconscious said, “okay bye!” As thousands of connections hit all at once in my brain.

Now I know, but im terrified of it. Im middle aged, and my whole life Trans people were freaks. Thats obviously wrong, but I chose the worst time to figure it out. Because the country i live in has decided to use Trans kids as a bludgeom of what’s wrong with society. Im trying to live more authentically but I feel isolated. Therapy is helping, and I recommend it if you can get access to help. But I have a lifetime of toxicity to unravel.

I microdosed some LSD while home alone one night and decided I needed to shave my face. Looked in the mirror once I was done and thought “oh wow, she looks nice :)” and then proceeded to softlock myself for 5 minutes

Called a friend who is also trans immediately after at like 2AM in a panic and she helped talk me through my thoughts and feelings, and within a couple weeks I managed to accept it

Anyway, several years later and now we’re dating and live together and very very gay :3

A woman in customer service over the phone a few years ago called me ma’am and i didn’t correct her. The whole conversation i kept thinking omg omg i like this alot.

It took me a good year and a half to figure out why that phone call made me happy.

I am incredibly glad that i gave myself the space and confidence to discover who i have always been and to take action to affirm my true self.

rosado from fire emblem engage made me start dressing feminine then I realized that I like being a girl more than being a femboy so that week long stint was gone already

I went to college and met a transfem enby, making me realize just how cool trans people were and how much affinity I had for them. I then explored trans spaces on Reddit for a couple years, finally feeling like I found my people even though I didn’t think of myself as one of them.

Then I found egg_irl, and my goodness did it scare me. Being around out and proud trans people was fun, but the serious notion that I could be one of them was so terrifying that I avoided it like the plague. It felt like discovering an infohazard that was bad for me in some way. However, I just couldn’t keep myself from coming back; like I couldn’t look away; like some supernatural force was calling to me.

The biggest reason for my doubt was that I never once consciously wanted to be another gender growing up. I only knew that I was miserable, and while I wanted to want to be a girl, I didn’t have enough experience to know I wanted to be a girl. What I was able to accept was that I hated being a man, as I did have reference for what that was like.

After finally getting more comfortable with the idea of being trans, I finally decided to try identifying as nonbinary. The few people I did tell helped me confirm that I was not cis, as I was really happy when they didn’t treat me as a man. However, it was only when I experimented with femininity that my eyes were opened to what I really wanted. While I got to crossplay in videogames before, feeling like a woman in irl social situations just felt undeniably right, even moreso than not being a man.

Having actual experience that was impossible to ignore eventually tore through all the doubt and fears. The shell was finally obliterated when I imagined being a mom in depth and realized that it made me more happy than any future I imagined for myself as a man. Not only was my perspective on having kids completely rewritten, I finally graduated from denial to the closet.

when my roomies married i was giga stressed to find an outfit, that i liked. i didn’t. i was super weirded out by the suit-or-dress-situation. i was upset, that i did not feel comfy around my friends, at all. a day after the party it all fell a part i did not try to explain, why i wouldnt wear a dress, but think about that i’d like to … then i decided hrt. this whole night felt like i had a revelation. there was no reasoning, no recognising; there was just an unknown self making itself heared for the first time.

When browsing imgur the trans timelines from Reddit kept coming up. I eventually noticed I was feeling jealous of those women, and it occurred to me that probably said something.

i deffo knew as a child and just didn’t have the words for it. and then being raised in a conservative area, i was hilariously malinformed about anything remotely queer.

i was probably late teens/early 20s when i finally started breaking down all the internalized shame bullshit. the catalyst was just talking to queer folk and going “o fuck it’s me”

community is really important.

Lived for like 18 years thinking it was just a “fetish” and it will eventually stop. Meanwhile I was increasingly depressed of the fact that I wasn’t born a girl but also “surely is an obsession I can’t control” to the point that in retrospective doesn’t make a lot of sense. Let’s say trans people aren’t well perceived here (or represented) so, internalized transphobia did it’s part too. Was due an MLP Fanfic that I had to confront myself and it took me like another two or three years of internal conflict to accept that, in fact, if my three genie wished are “being born a girl” and the button press between “a billion” and “being a girl” were always the same and indeed it was not a very cis thing think, then I might be trans.

Now I’m utterly afraid of the process of HRT, its outcome (not passing) and the immediate social, physical and mental danger it poses nowadays.

But at least I know the root of all my anxiety, depression, and what later on learnt was called “dysphoria”.