I’m a decade younger, but I’m sure I’ll still be a virgin at 40 and beyond.
I have had a lifelong lack of libido (so it has not been caused by any sort of medications or anything). I also have the inability to feel sexual pleasure. I have tried all different kinds of ways of masturbating and none of them have felt like anything. May as well just be touching my forearm. Puberty was confusing as fuck as I couldn’t relate to any of my peers in this way. So I’ve always felt pretty broken.
I don’t really like other people touching me, especially strangers. I have tried kissing a couple of times before and I didn’t understand how I was supposed to do it like physically…how you’re supposed to move your mouth/facial muscles or whatever. It just tasted like spit and was wet and wasn’t pleasant.
Mostly I’m fine with it, but sometimes I get a bit sad that I’ll never be able to have a deep lifelong, human connection with someone, raise kids, etc.
I get that I can try to find connections within the asexual community, but it’s incredibly small and hard to find someone in my same age in my same geographical area.
Oh also I have intense social anxiety which doesn’t help.
So while I don’t fit into this threads main topic…
I’m a gay male furry, disabled, who is currently (and for 4 years now) in a master/pet relationship with another fur, who is dating another fur; and I have a high sex drive, even in my 30s, but both of the other furs are ace. Master isn’t 100% ace but it’s rare and fleeting, and being long distance doesn’t help. He’s also likely autistic, and touching is fine but it seems like prolonged affection is annoying to him. He’s kinda aloof and doesn’t take cues, so we are (gently) blunt with each other. He’s sweet as hell, and cares about me a lot, which is how the fwb situation turned into this relationship thing - I found out I’m somewhat demisexual in the process.
What you can take from, what I think, is one of the weirdest relationship situations ever explained, is that it is possible to find someone who cares for and loves you, and even maybe craves you sexually, and it can work out just fine. I am certain that I bug master with lots of my advances, and I’m usually left on my own, but he’s very desirable from my perspective, and he does try to incorporate a few of my kinks when we are together physically, even if he’s not in the mood. It’s still pretty fun. The fact that he allows me to find others to play with is nice too, though I’ve only taken that offer with one other fur since we became a thing. A similar situation could open up more opportunities for you.
Dating, relationships, sex is all weird. It doesn’t need to be this rigid bunch of expectations. As long as both/all are happy and having fun, not hurting anyone (without consent~), fuck the norms and standards.
Also lol, I’ve dated exclusively from the furry dating pool onward after my first bf, and that population isn’t large. I’m gay (well, homoflexible, but) so that cuts the applicants even more. Then I’m disabled, and so that gets cut even further, since I don’t think most would want my baggage, help me with daily assistance, etc. Yet I’m still with someone… It’s totally possible. Just got to try and connect with people. I met my now-master playing Halo CE almost 20 years ago now. My ex, same thing. All my partners except one were gaming friends either irl or long-distance from the start. The people you may know right now might also be looking for someone. Just need to look, open up.
(high-five for social anxiety too)
Hoping you don’t take the downvotes to heart. Excuse my french, but you’re a bit of a weirdo and I’m sure you know this. I’m a weirdo in different ways so I get it lol!!
Anyway, I’m really happy for you that you managed to find a partner so well suited for you. A compatibility scenario like yours in an already niche group of people sounds more like finding a needle in a haystack to me. While I get that technically there is probably some individual on the planet that is compatible with me due to my niche sexual/romantic needs, it is statistically unlikely and incredibly difficult to ever hope to find someone like that.
Nah, the haters are always a minority, it’s fine :). I hope you at least try to stay open and positive about things, you might find someone just passively. You can do this ^_^
Thanks to you and /u/dingus@lemmy.world for the delightfully polite and slightly weird, but very uplifting and wholesome interaction!
As someone who is demi and married, it was a lot of hard work to find what I was looking for. It was not something I was able to achieve organically out meeting people via a hobby or something. The dating pool is shallow and small for aces, tiny if one is rural. I was determined and persistent because it was important to me, and it still took me about 6 years of consistent effort to find the right relationship for me. I do not blame anyone for just opting out of trying.
Have you tried talking to a therapist about this, maybe it’s just the way you are but it could also be something that could be fixed with medication and therapy
You know I have on occasion thought of something like that. Thing is I don’t have any sexual trauma or anything like that. So idk.
I definitely started having mental health issues around puberty…but I mean it’s common enough for most pre/teens to experience mental turmoil during that time. So you’d think it wouldn’t preclude developing sexually.
I’m just beginning therapy now for some unrelated, more severe issues, but maybe I will eventually bring that up if I can sort out the more pressing things first.
There can be any number of pathologies involved like hormone levels etc. It doesn’t necessarily have to do anything with trauma. But it’s good that you are talking to a professional now, maybe once other things are sorted you could be free to look into this as well, best of luck
The point of kissing is that human cheeks have more pheromones than most parts of the human body. When you kiss someone, your nose almost unaboidably ends up near that other person’s cheek. When you sense the other person’s pheromones, you will feel good or very good or, seldom, repulsive, depending on how different the person’s immune system is from yours or how close a relative the person is.
The part with lips touching each other is actually mostly irrelevant, but because people generally don’t know the actual point of why our species likes kissing, that’s the way they get their noses positioned correctly.
I would imagine that if you are as completely asexual as you say, you probably won’t feel much anything when kissing unknown people.
I guess kissing your parents’ cheeks has felt nice in your childhood, though? It’s also about pheromones, but of course not the same ones as with a romantic partner, so the feeling is different and maybe possible for you to feel?
Did you know that anti depression meds cause a lack of sexual interest in both males and females? Maybe that is the cause of your current situation
I am fully aware. But notice I said that the issue for me has been lifelong. During and after pubertal age, I never developed in that manner. I have been taking an SSRI for only the past few months. That leaves 15+ years prior to taking an SSRI or any sort of medications whatsoever where I had no libido. In my case, it was not caused by any medication. It was lifelong.
You may have chronically low testosterone but this is an issue you would need to discuss in detail with your doctor.
I am female! I hope my testosterone isn’t too high lol. I have always had incredibly regular periods as well so I doubt there is any sort of issue with that going on.
Some testosterone is important for women’s health too! It isn’t exclusively a male hormone though men do naturally produce more.
Please have a frank and open discussion with a health professional. There is nothing to be embarrassed about and you deserve the full range of the human experience.
you deserve the full range of the human experience.
Please remember that if someone is sex repulsed or doesn’t feel sexual desire that this is a weird thing to say. There are so many things humans can experience, with varying degrees of joy and pleasure, sex is not in some special category of “required in order to be human”. From my perspective if someone hasn’t had a perfectly ripe mango they haven’t had the full range of human experience, but some people don’t like mangos.
sex is not in some special category of “required in order to be human”
Thanks for this. It’s just such an innate biological urge in 99% of people that not experiencing it actually has often made me feel like I’m not a human. It’s as basic as getting hungry when you need food or being thirsty when you need water. Idk. I appreciate the words is all, as feeling “not human” has been such a nearly lifelong struggle with this.
I will say though…when people talk about how amazing “mangoes” are, it does make me feel a bit left out even regardless of the “being human” aspect. The way people describe orgasms…it’s like they have access to some form of heroin and I don’t lol. I have a bit of FOMO wanting to be able to have an experience with such extreme pleasure.
Ooo ooo, I don’t like mango! Fresh or otherwise!
Well…while I said there is nothing wrong with my hormones, I do have quite a bit of excess facial and body hair in a male pattern. So I think I likely have higher than normal testosterone in addition to the normal female hormones causing everything beyond the hair to be “regular”. So I don’t know that that’s the issue either.
Aces exist, there is nothing wrong with not feeling sexual desire or attraction. If it doesn’t upset her or effect her life in a way she doesn’t like then she doesn’t need medical intervention.
As someone who is demi and has lived many years at a time as essentially ace, it’s frustrating to hear people consistently downplay asexuality as a physical ailment. No, some people are just like this, it’s as valid an orientation as any other.
Wanting a higher libido and having zero libido is a problem. Encouraging a person to seek medical advice on an issue they have expressed is a problem is the responsible thing to do.
At no time did they state they were ace and at no point did I claim being ace is ‘invalid’ or a problem.
You are projecting your own frustrations onto the conversation when it isn’t about you.
I didn’t see anything in her posts that implied she wanted a higher libido or that she saw her lack of sexual desire as an issue in her day to day life. I did see her say she might like intimate human connection but that’s perfectly possible without sex. I think we might both be doing some projection, as yes I am sensitive to people who recommend seeing a doctor when someone describes what its like to be ace, but also you seem to assume having sex is a prerequisite to having an intimate relationship with someone.
It’s not.
I also have the inability to feel sexual pleasure. I have tried all different kinds of ways of masturbating and none of them have felt like anything
This doesn’t come across as her being happy with the situation.
I never once mentioned a relationship.
Did you know that if you read the whole post before jumping to conclusions, you might gain information that counters your assumptions? 🙂 They mentioned this being lifelong, not induced by medication.
I have no idea how people agree to have sex. And I get panic attacks in relevant situations.
I’m quite sure I was in a situation of mutual attraction with at least several people so far, but then what? … someone has to say something or suggest having sex. And that’s not me.It doesn’t start with sex, it starts with a kiss or a touch. You can also just make it literal and tell the person you’re attracted to them. That’s what usually worked for me, communication is key.
I think it probably starts a long way before a kiss or a touch. At least, I’d hope it does.
Depends on if it’s a surprise or not. But since surpise one sided intimacy usually racks up felony counts I wouldn’t suggest it.
Everyone has different types of interaction and connection with each other, and various levels of comfortable intimacy with people. But generally, when you do hit it off with someone, it usually starts off with prolonged eye-contact, deeper and more engaged conversations and a back-and-forth with light flirting, even if it’s just smiling and joking together.
That progresses to more physical contact, hand holding, sitting together/lap sitting, hair touching, usually followed by soft talk and close faces. This is where you can easily gauge your partner’s interest, if they’re reciprocating and seem equally enthusiastic you can quickly move to kissing and suggesting going somewhere more private where you can ask if they want to go somewhere to spend the night or if they rather take it slower. If you find yourself taking the lead, it’s always good to give an “out” and suggest an alternative to going direct to sex. Cuddling, talking in private, watching a movie together, etc. You might feel nervous, but the person you’re with might be even more nervous.
If you’re with the right person, you will reassure each other and find a comfortable pace to progress. If you’re already at this point of touching and kissing, it’s not going to be a deal-breaker at this point to be talk clearly about what you want and to ask if they want the same thing, or to even admit you’re nervous because you’re attracted to them. If you’re with the right person, it should feel fun, you should both start feeling nature take over as you want to get closer together.
Prostitutes exist precisely for people that don’t want to do or have trouble with these things you know.
You give them money, you get ussy. It’s a simple system and they’re happy to explain how it works to get a repeat customer.
Yep, that’ll do it. If you want to have sex with someone, someone has to make a move. That someone would probably need to be you.
If you’re having really good chemistry with someone, if you’re having fun together you both start to feel a thing that makes you feel very, very comfortable with them. Laughing together becomes sitting together, becomes holding each other, becomes eye contact, becomes more and more quiet time, next thing you know you’re tangled together and nature starts to take over. It’s not always, or even usually verbal.
That’s how some people do it, some people are more direct and just say “wanna go somewhere?” and they retreat somewhere private to either do the above, or go about getting intimate in their own way.
You can’t go wrong talking. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to the person you’re with on even the most basic level, if you’re at all unsure about enthusiastic consent, or what your partner really wants, you have to back up and either spend more time getting comfortable or admit you’re not feeling that chemistry together and move along.
Nerves are normal, you should feel nervous but more like the way you feel nervous about to get on a roller coaster. It should be exciting so make sure you understand if your anxiety isn’t crossed with your excitement responses. You shouldn’t feel scared you should feel heightened and aware. Your partner should also feel this way, it’s always okay to ask someone “Are you okay?” “Do you want to?” “Want to wait/go further?” and it’s not at all embarrassing or awkward to check with your partner. Unless, again, you’re with someone whom you’re not actually comfortable being intimate with.
I sometimes say “wanna fuck about it?” And it normally works okay.
Had severe chronic health problems starting from late teenagehood. When you are too sick to stand up for more than 10 minutes at a time, dating is out of the question. By the time my health turned around enough to where I was reliably semi functional I was just too old to start from scratch, and with age comes a certain level of just not giving a shit any more. I feel like I dodged a bullet honestly.
Disclaimer: I lost my virginity many decades ago, I may not be qualified to answer the question.
That being said, I’ve two remarks:- Why wouldn’t people be virgin, no matter their age? Sex may not be something all people wish to practice.
- As an older dude myself (I’m well into my 50s) that has been with his spouse for almost 30 years and counting), considering today’s dating scene I can say I’m very surprised a lot more young people are not choosing to stay virgin. Just so they can stay away from the shit show the dating scene seems to have morphed into. Both women and men, I mean. Expectations and demands seem so… absurd I can’t even fathom how they manage to actually meet anyone, a real person?
Sorry for the rant. Maybe it’s just me getting too old and I’m missing a lot of the great things going on in dating today (it’s not like I’m an expert in dating, I just listen to younger people around us and online talk about it) but, to me at least, what I’m hearing seem so… destructive, and so sad. It’s crazy people are still willing to bear with it. It’s also the exact opposite of what meeting a partner is supposed to be.
That’s because you have foresight and experience in dating, so it makes sense to us not to want to ever be involved with how dating works these days. Someone who grew up only ever knowing today’s methods of dating will not deter someone who is young and probably super horny from trying a ton of new experiences for themselves. It’s all they got!
Yeah, you have a point here. And it’s sad for them. I’m still surprised new ways of dating have not already started to surface as an alternative to that circus/shit show (at least that’s what it looks like to me, from the outside).
Maybe I should also say that even when I was young and single I was not much into the dating scene like it’s most commonly understood (aka going out, spending money on fancy clothes and stuff like that just to impress as many people as possible). I was more the kind of dude wasting my time (and money) with books, spending time in book shops and in public libraries and with the girls I could meet there. And like me those girls were not obsessed with the brand of clothes we were wearing or the car I was driving.
Why wouldn’t people be virgin, no matter their age? Sex may not be something all people wish to practice.
Because sex is half the point of all life. Step one, survive. Step two, reproduce. From the point of view of evolution, failing to reproduce is literally worse than death. Of course, we are adaptation executioners, not fitness maximizers. If we were biologically encoded to maximize fitness, we would all be hacking sperm banks to make our (or our sons’) semen come up first on the register. But evolution didn’t forsee sperm banks, so it just did the next best thing and made us really horny. Of course, in some people this mechanism of baby-making broke in one way or another - gay people, childfree people, asexuals, etc. But most people wanna fuck on the reg, and so most people by the age of 40 will have figured out a strategy by that point.
Hence the question. People over 40 who are still virgins will be a small minority. It is interesting to know what led them to this minority status.
I’m very surprised a lot more young people are not choosing to stay virgin.
Because horny. And lonely. Check out various courtship rituals throughout history. All you have to do today is look nice, take a few good photos, flirt a little, and do that enough times until you find a person or a few people you wanna spend time with. That’s way easier than, like, raising 12 goats for a dowry.
Because sex is half the point of all life. Step one, survive. Step two, reproduce. From the point of view of evolution, failing to reproduce is literally worse than death
Worse than death? I’m not sure to get that.
But I do get your point on that need to reproduce which, I will partly agree with you, is indeed an imperative need but only at the species level, not at the individual members level.
I mean, there might be a drive to have sex in most individuals but one just need to consider the many species where only the dominant male is having sex with the females. Or to consider the fact that in some species couple are literally made for live and when one of the two partners dies the other stays single and can live many years without having any sex. Or even consider the many species where homosexuality is a thing to see that it’s ok with most species (ours included) to not have all partners mate and reproduce.
Evolution-wise, the fact that individual members of any species do not mate and/or do not reproduce is no danger to the perpetuation of that species.
And lonely. Check out various courtship rituals throughout history.
Agree. My question was more a way to invite a discussion (hopefully from with the younger people I’m referring to) than a real question ;)
Also, rituals (mating as well as fighting) are often at least as interesting to study in other species than ours. Have a look at fishes and birds rituals if you have not yet get a chance to do so, I find them fascinating.
but it doesn’t change that, today, it looks to be so tricky that, as a ritual, I’m surprised it’s not questioned more intensely than it is or, at least, that we are not witnessing the emergence of new alternative rituals.
All you have to do today is look nice, take a few good photos, flirt a little, and do that enough times until you find a person or a few people you wanna spend time with. That’s way easier
Based on what I see/hear (and once again, I’m not an expert in that field and have not access to enough data to conclude anything and only share a mere impression) I would still wonder: if all it takes is to look good on a photo, isn’t it also instantly a lot more competition going on and making it much harder to mate?
I mean, almost anyone can doctor a picture of themselves (even more so today with the help of AI I imagine) or just play with the framing and lighting, or by selecting what they are wearing (and makeup) to look much better than they are if they were bare naked. And so competition is much, much harsher than before this… at least for the first preliminary step: selecting a potential partner and deciding to get to know them better.
As a teen and as a young adult in the 80s and in the 90s, we were not as worried about how we looked. No, that’s silly of me to say and it’s not even what I want to say (English is not my first language, sorry). Obviously, we too were worried a lot about that but not like today. There was not as much, if any, of the absurd expectations I can see and hear almost everywhere.
Because what I observe (see my previous remark: it’s merely an observation) is a lot of young people quiet literally expecting the moon, demanding it. And while they’re demanding the moon, those same young people seem completely unable to realize that they themselves don’t have what it takes (or not enough of it) to warrant them any moon.
This delusion, apparently extremely amplified by the self-validation loop going on on social medias (and nurtured by a few decades of (un)education constantly telling them ‘you’re so perfect, you deserve the best’) is costing them a lot as they waste opportunities to meet and live with great partners and build something real good with them and, this would even be much worse, they waste their precious ‘biological’ time by chasing some unicorn partner that they will never find because, you know, unicorns don’t exist outside of fairy tales.
It’s sad for men and women alike but, getting back to your ‘reproductive drive’ idea (which I partly agree with), it’s even worse for women as they have a much more limited ‘biological time’ available to reproduce.
As an almost 60 years old dude, would I decide to do so (I would not) and would she be willing to do it with me, obviously, I could very easily mate with any woman in her 20s or 30s and she would carry our baby. I may not be there long enough to see the baby become an adult but I know they would be no major health risk for the baby as well as for the mom. Not that easy for older women, at the very least not without a lot of medical help and not without a lot of risks for themselves as well as for the baby.
All of that to say that all this time those young people are wasting chasing the perfect partner is a time they will never get back that will cost them dear.
Even if they were among the few lucky ones that would in the end find their ‘perfect partner’, which they won’t find. It’s like winning the lottery or playing at the casino, the vast majority of the players are losing their money, over and an over again. The very few winners are just that: few exceptions, rare enough for the business to remain more than profitable even though once in a while they give away a large chunk of money to a winner. It’s statistically not meaningful enough to be a threat to their profitability. Going to the casino is not the best strategy for anyone wanting to get rich, nor is chasing the unicorn for someone wanting to build a family.
Hope this makes sense.
Lost my virginity when I was 38. I simply viewed (and still view) sex as the ultimate expression of love, and it took me 38 years to fall in love with someone. She was in the same situation, only a few years younger. We’ve been happily married for a long time, and we still view sex the same way.
The older I get the less I think this stuff matters. I was driving myself insane in high school thinking I’d fallen behind my peers for not being sexually active. In hindsight I was too immature for a romantic relationship at that age and wanted one for the wrong reasons. Lost my virginity the summer after school ended, in the holidays before university started, but despite being in a loose relationship, it was pretty forgettable. Couple drunken one night stands after that too, which again felt like going through the motions. A year later, I ended up meeting my partner and everything about my sexuality just clicked. Sex with the right person is like a different activity altogether.
Now I’m in my 30s, I wonder if bad sex is worth having on the path to good sex. Maybe past experience takes away the pressure somewhat but then the right person will also make any hangups you’ve got evaporate. Sex has an inherently silliness as your body kind of gets possessed and you find yourself making animal type faces or noises - a lot of the intimacy comes from being comfortable enough around the other person to behave disinhibitedly without judgement.
By no means am I saying that people should wait till marriage or whatever! Only wanted to share my personal experiences. Maybe some of the regretful virgins in this thread haven’t met someome who clicks with them yet.
I wanted to be a wizard.
I know right, it’s so much easier to source virgin blood yourself!
Not married yet
