One of my children is questioning their gender, and they seem at ease with non-binary. I found this out yesterday, so I’m approaching this gently, though I feel ill-prepared. I want to be who they need.
I’m curious about the experiences of other parents, or stories about your parents learning to adjust if you came out to them.
Follow-up: Thank you all so much for your stories and your feedback!
“Hi gay, I’m dad”
When my daughter came out as gay to me I was so happy she’d fallen for her best friend. I love them both like daughters. Screw lazy men, they are so happy together.
When my son came out as a trans woman I was ecstatic that they’d realised what was making them so anxious and depressed, boobs suit her :) Just be supportive they need it so much. It doesn’t change who they are, your child.
About 10 years ago I told my dad I was gay and living with the guy who’s now my fiance. He just kinda went “ok” and changed the subject to where he was working construction nearby where I lived. Honestly, it sounds weird, but it really worked in the context of everything and our relationship. I couldn’t imagine it being the sappy cliche just because of the type of guy he is.
He later met him and they get along great with each other to this day.
Not gay myself, but I imagine in my case this would be the best possible outcome. I’m picturing in my head as though his response would have been the same if you’d said, “Hey dad, I’m straight and living with a woman.” I think my dad would be amazed that anyone could stand spending that much time with me 😂
That’s how I read it and kinda how I see it. If my kid came out as gay, I’d have about the same reaction. Who we love is who we love and as long as the person isn’t a complete tool or something, if they make my kid happy, that’s what matters. I just hope I’ve instilled enough self respect into them to pick a good person irrespective of the state or lack thereof of dangly bits
That’s lovely, thank you for sharing that.
One of my close friends came out as gay to me in highschool and I said “I know? Everyone knows. Well, everyone except you, apparently.” and nothing changed between us. I don’t advise the first part of it, even if everyone did know, but the second applies - start using their new pronouns and otherwise continue on as normal. That’s all they want, for their gender to be respected and to not be treated as different or strange for it.
Mum of a trans daughter here.I just thought AHA that explains some things. I had long expected her to come out as gay, trans hadn’t occurred to me. I support and love her best I can.It has been a pretty steep learning curve and trying to get her on various waiting lists was a nightmare.
But she is having her nose op today and Adams apple if all goes to plan (its the NHS,). I really do not care,she is my daughter and her happiness is the most important thing. I do worry a lot though,it is dangerous out there for her.
Trans and British? Damn, good luck to your daughter.
That’s rough… I wouldn’t want to be British
As a trans person i think I’d sooner transition from beign British than my gender
Yeah its getting a little iffy just the now what with Reform stirring up hate. Thanks though I will let her know.
Cis-het with a dash of bi here.
When I was younger I was terrified I might be gay. Not because my parents would disown me but because of all the social hooblah it would bring my way.
However I feel like I’d be less worried about that today vs couple decades ago.
TLDR its nice that society has become more accepting.
My reaction to other family/friends coming out: “Fuck yea!”
My reaction if my kids come out: “Fuck yea!”
Not at all. Im bisexual myself and have a gay nonbinary partner. Botz also very neruodivergent. Soooo it wouldnt be any change for us lol
But if you’re looking for advice, dont do like my parents and do not aknowledge it at all. I did “silent outing” as in i just dropped hints here and there. And dont assume they are gay and then say “i know you’re gay” while in a fighting argument with them. Ask them or even better just say “no matter who you’re attracted to, we will always love you and be there for you”.
The way I always saw it was “ok? If we are shifting names or pronouns, just let me know. If you need ideas I’ve got a few you can reject but other than that, it changes literally nothing. You are still you and if this makes you happy that’s all I can ask for.” At least that’s what I generally mean. Usually I’ll just say ok and ask if they’re hungry or something
Sadly not all parents are like that :(
The world would be a better place if they were
Though funny enought without both our parents being bad, me and my partner wouldnt have met nore bonded :)
Love through trauma bond is a tale as old as time
One of my kids is non-binary and have been for mayve 6 years. I still get the pronouns wrong now and then but most of the time I succeed. Been a long way getting there, and a lot of help from my non-binary sibling who calls me out whenever I fail.
Did you love that baby before it was born and you knew its gender?
If so, what changed?
It’s their journey that will change things, but my love will always be there.
Hi! My youngest is a trans guy, so at this point I am an older parent (mid 50s). They had to literally come out to me because my idea of acceptable womanhood is so wide the fact that they dressed like a 40 year old butch lesbian in high school did not make me think anything, nor the binder, both the youngest 2 do that and both prefer girls, so I just figured both were gay. It is funny he just figured I’d be happy, since I only spawned girls, to have one be a boy. You are right that kids are lasseiz-faire about it.
I did have definite anxiety around this, much more than the kids do, they just find it normal to choose. The state took away underage people’s choice on hormones so there was enough time for me to feel more settled, and we talked a lot about the medical side. He is lucky in build, I am tall for a lady, with gentle not dramatic curves, a more androgynous build and he got that (my tallest kid! Only one taller than me!) so could pass before doing any hormones, it was less urgent than it might have been if he read more girly in body type.
Now he is 19, which puts it even more firmly in the territory of not my business.
You are most welcome to message me if you want to.
Disclaimer##
I am cishet without experience here. This is what I would do. Might not be perfect, but most things is okay if there is lots of good intentions and love 😊
I would be honest. You are allowed to have feelings and be conflicted. You are however not allowed to make this about you. When talking about it, be careful and sensitive. Anger or denial should be suppressed. Talk to someone else if you feel that way. Your role is not to stop it, but to stay close and be loving. Do not ask too many questions about “Are you sure? Maybe its just a phase? etc”. Your long term relationsship depends on how you handle it. Handling it perfectly is less important than showing lots of love and support.
“I support you and love you no matter what”
“i might not react or handle everything correctly, but want to learn and support you”
"
Does this mean there might not get grandchildren? If so, that’s a shame, but not the end of the world"“I am unsure how I can help you make the right decisions for you going forward, is it okay if I suggest seeing a therapist to help you navigate this? Not to stop you, but just to help you find out what you need.”
“You can talk to me about anything, I might not always understand, but will read about it and try to educate myself”
Edit: Grandchildren part is probably best to skip
Leave out the grandchildren bit, it’s unnecessary, condescending, and presumptive. Grandchildren shouldn’t be expected (unless a person has expressed a desire to have children) and is completely irrelevant for such a conversation.
I agree, updated the post
Tha k you for being a considerate ally
Great example in my opinion.
Wouldn’t care or even change anything. In Finnish hän is gender neutral anyway.
Only difference is I’d suggest they look into maybe going into a professional field that can research biological transition even better, so they can maybe discover a pill that lets them change sex all the way without surgery or something one. Never know.
In the meantime, I’d start to put aside a “trans surgery” fund for them.
I technically have adopted a son. This son, who I once knew as a female. But, it is without question, that I see them as, know them as and treat them as the kind of son equally as I would if they were my daughter. It helps to relate with them, when you’re one of them too. So, it was all easy.
