As detectivesniffles said above, just reaching this point you have, is something very difficult, worth being proud of.

It sounds a bit cheesy, but there’s this lyric from The Old Witch Sleep and the Good Man Grace that I love:

"You’re not a coward 'cause you cower

You’re brave because they broke you

Yet broken still you breathe

So breathe, breathe just breathe"

And I think that that is real. Just breathe. You’re doing fine. You’ve been brave.