I’m in my early 30s, so not necessarily “mid-life”, but I think what I have been experiencing can be described this way. I went through a lot this past year, and it has both left some large scars as well as healed some other aspects and caused new ways of thinking in others. I’ve tried new things and enjoyed the things that I’ve tried.
But I feel like I need something “more”, but I have no idea what that is. I keep getting caught on the horrifying realization of life being fleeting and I want to do something to make it more whole. But I can’t outrun death so I don’t know that anything is left to be done. But I feel like I need something to fill that space. I may in fact be chasing something that doesn’t exist idk.
I guess I just feel a bit lost and would appreciate some direction.
More about me that may or may not influence your advice: I’ve always been a loner and the sort of “terminally online” type. I don’t experience sexual attraction, so it sort of puts most options of relationships out the window. Asexual “dating” is not as prevalent or simple as you’d think. My career is very solid and I’m paid very well, so I’m not interested in switching careers. My career was a huge source of my trauma this past year, but I have made a lot of progress since and it’s really not something I can easily change. I have discovered new and healthier forms of self-expression and have done new things. I own where I live and would not be able to sell it for as much as I paid for it either, which is another reason I’d be against moving. I am physically close-ish to family and visit every couple of weeks.
Thanks all for listening.
I’ve had seven heart attacks, a below-knee amputation, and I’m on dialysis for kidney failure, and I’m 51. I also had a saddle pulmonary embolism in 2017 that kills most people that have them, so I’m already living on “borrowed time” as it were. I’ll link you to my story if you’re curious, but anyway… I’m likely to last less than another decade, I think. And that sucks, but c’est la vie.
Here’s what I live for:
- I take every day for that day. I try not to live in the past because I cannot change it. I try not to excessively dream about the future because I may not have one. I just try to live today for today. Now, I’m doing PT and exercises to try and increase health, so that is doing something for my future, but i’m not just wasting today dreaming about tomorrow. I’m trying to live today.
- I try to find things I enjoy doing because I enjoy them - playing some games, browsing the internet, reading. And I try to take pleasure in those things.
- I try to keep up with chores as I battle anemia and fatigue. I try to keep the household running as I’m able to help, trying to minimize what I depend on my partner for.
- Most importantly: I try to make those I come in contact with smile a little. I’ve always been like this, but I figure if I can make someone’s day a little brighter, that’s always a Good Thing™.
- I try not to worry too much about it.
We read about people who Made History™ and who were Important People™, but the extreme vast majority of people were born, grew up, worked and lived their lives, and died and were forgotten. And that’s okay! Once you’re gone, there won’t be a you to worry about anything!
There is no goal to life other than to live it. But if you can, while taking care of yourself, do a little good in some way: That is worth doing.
So make sure you’re doing things that are fulfilling, and try to worry less about comparing yourself to some sort of super-human you could never live up to - especially not some fictionalized superhero that doesn’t even exist.
I’m completely atheist these days, but I still like the Wiccan Rede’s version of what many more might know as the Golden Rule: “An’ it harm none, do as ye will.” This opens you up to being free to doing anything that doesn’t cause harm. But an important thing to consider: Not only do not do harm to others, but do not do harm to yourself.
And one subtle self-harm is putting all your energy into worrying about some sort of legacy and trying to live up to artificial responsibilities at the expense of enjoying life. So don’t do that.
Introspection is good. Thinking about these things is good. Just don’t let thinking about it take over.
If you still feel like you should be doing “more”, finding a place to put energy into volunteering is probably the answer. Find a cause you can believe in and think is valuable. You could mentor others - younger or old on whatever topics you’re comfortable with. You could volunteer at an animal shelter. Or in the arts. Or any number of places that always need people helping out.
Don’t limit yourself by thinking it has to be big to be helpful.
Seven (7) heart attacks?? Jeez
Thanks for sharing your perspective, I enjoyed reading it.
I loved this story 💜
OP, I would say mindfulness meditation focusing on gratitude might help. Even things like the way the sunlight through a window is lighting up the side of an object. When something as simple as that becomes a large focus, time has an effect of slowing down.
Totally normal between 28–33. Ask anyone.
Seems like a lot of people from late adolescence to “mature” are experiencing it just now. I think we’re realizing we’ve stuffed ourselves into very tiny boxes, and we’ve grown enough to feel the pressure. I think a bunch of us are about to get out of our boxes.
Fair enough. I will say at least many people at this stage seem like they’ve chosen to have children as their purpose. Fortunately or unfortunately (depends on your view), it’s not something that’s ever going to be in the cards for me. So I’ve taken to thinking of other things I suppose.
And those that have children also go through the same thing.
It’s like, “I’m definitely an adult now. Am I doing what I want? Is it too late to change? Have I made the right choices? Am I setting things up well? Am I missing out on anything?”
It’ssuper normal because you get the feeling at that age that life’s locking in. It’s not, but it feels like that, especially as everyone looks at everyone else, all secretly worrying in the same way.
still kinda young. if its at 40+ it might be something different though.
That feeling, is the next stage of “growing up”.
One way to look at it is the lifelong individuation process described by Jungian analytical psychology.
There are other schools of thought, some spiritual and not. The purpose is the same by any name, just differing methods.
You aren’t who you were as a child, or a teenager, or a young adult. The teenager could look at the child and understand how much they had to develop to get to where they are, while the child has no frame of reference for the journey it would take to become a teenager.
Same with the young adult to the teenager.
You know how everyone knows someone they feel never “grew up”? That’s because the first three stages are a bit of a freebie: your developing brain does a lot of the legwork.
But after that there’s no guarantees.
Reading your comments elsewhere in the thread, you have done a lot of growing and experiencing the world without in your life.
My suggestion would be to explore within if you haven’t yet. Seek to understand the underlying parts of your being that make you, you.
This may sound like a hoky comment but I caution you that it is not, and there is more struggling ahead. Many don’t say immature by conscious choice but by subconscious fear of the insights their psyche is asking of them.
There is also one personality type for whom individuation typically results in a sort of shrinking of social spheres. A type that typically spends it’s whole life doing very particular tricks to avoid facing themselves not because they fear it, but because they fear that there is something wrong with them for going so against the norm when it comes to the mechanics of connection.
That type is also famous for being in the margins of socializing and society’s expectations for them. They famously often find a great need to check in with others at some point to ask “Am I missing something about life? I’m checking all the boxes and I think I even have the right number of friends? Wait, do I?”
Dr. Carl Jung called that type the intuitive introvert.
If you find yourself to also be one of those, just know you’ll want to take some extra care, and it may or may not be an easy journey depending on the totality of your social circle at the moment the script fades away.
But it’s worth it in the end.
That’s a personal anecdote, and I am intentionally not sharing any sources because that can also be part of the journey sometimes. Just beware, there is a lot of snake oil and scam info out there.
If you want something more out of life, but don’t want to change careers or where you live then you need something to fill your free time. Spend less time on the internet and find something you enjoy or care about. This can be anything from learning a musical instrument or a foreign language to volunteering at a soup kitchen or animal shelter.
I went through a similar crisis not too long ago and while my solution was much more drastic than what your looking for, spending less time online was probably the best change I made. Spending less time online made room for passion and hobbies, and I’ve felt much more fulfilled in my life the past two years than I ever have
When I was going through it really bad, I was on FMLA from work for several weeks and tried to volunteer at the food pantry nearly every day. It was a nice change of pace for a bit that helped me from being consumed with my thoughts. I would have loved to continue with them specifically, but it seems like this and a lot of volunteer gigs are more during business hours. It makes sense, but it’s also when I work now lol.
Please don’t see the above as me “making an excuse”. I’m just almost kind of reminiscing about the time I guess.
I worked hard to get where I’m at. I’ve moved across the country several times and put blood, sweat, and tears through grad school to finally get the reward of my career and lucky to have my family somewhat nearby again. So that’s why I’m satisfied with that particular part.
I’m curious as to your own life experience if you don’t mind sharing.
So that’s why I’m satisfied with that particular part.
It’s good you recognize thr parts of your life you are satisfied with.
As far as my own experience goes I had a good union engineering job, but woke up every day feeling like I was wasting my life. So I saved up, quit my job and sold most of my stuff, bought a truck and trailer and traveled for the better parts of two years. I stayed off the grid and lived very simply, enjoyed hiking and being outdoors, and did a lot of reading. I ended up moving in with family when I ran out of money and found a real passion volunteering at an animal shelter. A full time position opened up at the shelter and I applied and got the job. I don’t even miss the money or comfort of my own place at this point. I’ve also rediscovered a love for a few hobbies I had as a teenager and have the energy to pursue them now that I’m not working a job that’s mentally draining me
That’s such an amazing journey! Thank you so much for sharing!
One of my online friends decided she was done with regular life and managed to go off grid herself. I’m a bit of a wuss in need of more modern conveniences lolol.
For the period of time I was on FMLA, I did contemplate quitting my job and trying to get one full time at the food pantry, honestly. Working for the community like that has its own sense of fulfillment, so I’m glad you found yours at the animal shelter.
Sounds like the food pantry was a passion for you, and while it’s tough with a lot of volunteer opportunities being business hours you could always do some anarchy food distribution on the weekends. Give out jars of peanut butter and loaves of bread to the homeless in your area. Organizations make it nice and simple but there’s nothing (maybe laws but fuck those laws) saying you can’t do it on your own. Good luck on your search for meaning, I hope you find what your looking for from life
If this “yearning for more” feeling has been around for years, I think you need to consider taking a break from work. You need to get out there and explore. You need to find out what that “more” is.
You’re doing the same thing day in and day out. How do you ever expect to figure out what “more” is unless you go looking for it?
It could be as simple as burnout or the need to see the world. It could be a new career you never even thought about. Maybe you’ll just discover you like walking through forests. Maybe you find a new city to live in that’s better. Maybe nothing really needs to change or maybe everything does.
If that’s not something you can and want to do, you’ll at least want to do some soul-searching. Does it feel like there’s a hole in your life? Start journaling. Talk to a therapist. If you can figure out the shape of the hole, you may figure out how to fill it.
sorry im in abit of a latelife crisis myself. also I think like half my country is in one to some degree or another.
I feel like a lot of people too through the “rediscovery of ones self” in their 30s. Because I sure did. I absolutely understand the feeling you’re trying to explain. Like you know there’s something but you don’t know what it is or how to begin the process to find it.
Honestly, keep discovering yourself. I saw your comment that you learned to ride a motorcycle. Keep trying things you wouldn’t normally try. Some you’ll hate, some you’ll love.
Start making friends too. I’m sure you have some friends but reading what you wrote you’re giving the “friend who’s always invited but never shows up to events” vibe. Start going to things, talking to people you wouldn’t normally talk to. It’s possible that whatever you’re looking for, is just waiting for you to actually look.
friend who’s always invited but never shows up to events
I would say that was a fairly accurate description of me growing up lol. But as an adult, I don’t tend to have people inviting me places much anymore.
Then those few who existed in person were involved in my traumatic experience last year, so there was a bit of a rupture and it’s hard to feel safe around said people again.
I tried to turn some of my online friends into in person friends instead, but logistically, it ended up too complicated for me. The closest I found on a particular sort of website for meeting up was nearly 3 hours away. We made it work some of the time, but God, it was just too exhausting for the both of us to continue to make it work, so we stopped seeing each other.
Really, I need to find a more local community of people I get on with is what it might be. But I’m having trouble with that too. I started taking dance classes as well and have been enjoying them, but the classes themselves are not particularly social, despite having a bunch of us physically together.
Sorry for my pointless ramble lol. I am wordy online. I appreciate all of the comments here!
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what you describe sounds a whole lot like studying philosophy would help you. it gives you a better understanding of life and the world in general and can help fulfill that craving for something because it is a pretty generic thing with broad topics and that is exactly why it fills every niche, kinda.
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I did ketamine therapy and the experience helped me see existence from a new perspective that would not have otherwise been accessible. It doesn’t work that way for everyone but it’s worth trying once IMO.
Interesting. I have heard vaguely of the concept, but I have no idea what it entails. I can’t say I’m personally too interested in trying it myself, but I’m interested to hear how it went for you. Care to give a brief overview of your experience?
Do you know the parable of the man who dreamt he was a butterfly who dreamt he was a man? During my first ketamine experience I felt like I had woken up from reality into a world where I was no longer forced to interpret sensory experience as anything except beautiful, purely abstract patterns. Even my own thoughts stopped being words and started being sounds that felt like they followed naturally after other sounds. This seems like it could have been scary but it was actually completely peaceful, and boredom no longer existed so I think I could have enjoyed it forever. Then the constraints of reality gradually reasserted themselves as the ketamine wore off. Experiencing something so alien has changed how I feel about the “human experience,” so to speak, because now I’ve seen it from outside.
(Note that what you experience will depend on the dose, your state of mind, and how your own brain works. My friend who also did the therapy reports a much less abstract mental world than what I saw.)
Experiencing something so alien has changed how I feel about the “human experience,” so to speak, because now I’ve seen it from outside.
i’d rather argue that now, you’ve seen it from the inside. deeper inside than you usually go.
Do something that scares you.
Scuba dive, or fly in an open cockpit airplane, or try public speaking, or go to a city you’ve never been to before.
I’m not suggesting you put yourself in actual danger, just jolt yourself.
I actually recently learned to ride a motorcycle lol! Definitely scared me!
I’m glad I saw this comment. I was going to suggest motorcycling. It’s something you can do if you’re comfortable being alone (which seems to be the case from this post) and it forces the kind of “clear focus on the present” that is diluted so much in the “terminally online”. I also count myself in that demographic.
I went through some very similar feelings in my 30’s, but motorcycling and playing music really help keep my emotions in the place I like them to be.
Now plan a voyage of discovery…
Agreed this is 100% figuring out who you are outside of your work and family commitments. For me it was putting proper time into learning musical instruments, which I only started in my fourties when I finally accepted that I was never going be a master or famous for my playing, and that also that didn’t matter.
I was distracted and so busy when I was your age, no time to slow down. Kids, pets, so much work at my job, never time to think!
Do you exercise? That mental feeling of dissatisfaction can be complicated by physical idleness - I do have to exhaust my body to calm my mind.
Do you have people IRL? Even if you are introverted and asexual you still need a baseline level of community, of people to talk with and be with.
You don’t need to achieve anything to be a whole person. I do think your instinct is correct that it’s something that doesn’t exist because there are so many successful unhappy people, you are outwardly successful already. So maybe you are missing physical activity or social activity.
maybe you are also seeking a date, companionship too? hows your dating situation?
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You can just report it.
Making a comment like this, just stirs up drama.
Somebody tried to make a joke and it landed badly, it’s not even a new joke.
So thanks for reporting, but even if it was a troll, feeding them doesn’t usually help. And if it was someone trying to be lighthearted and just failing, a comment like yours will make it get worse.
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Why in the world are you calling me a child? Do you not see that as rude?
I am not sexually compatible with other people and hormonal testing I had done at the doctor’s office indicates that I am unfortunately close to early menopause. Those things would make it very difficult for me to have that sort of a relationship and children out of it.
