He turned water into wine by pressing it with his massive swole thighs.
And he blessed the fish and loaves with his swole biceps and lo, they did turn into pure whey protein powder.
And Lazarus did die, but then Jesus bench pressed the death out of him so hard he came back to life.
And he could walk on water because he punched a wave so hard the ocean was scared of him forever and kept him from sinking.
And the giant boulder in front of his tomb? He wasn’t dead and buried, that was his exercise boulder and he just sat it down to have a power nap before lifting the mountain by himself.
How did Jesus die? I mean after he died and came back to life? He resurrected and so did tons of people in a nearby graveyard and they all walked through the nearest town (yes this is very literally what’s written about the resurrection in the bible) then what? He just went to a hill and floated away? What happens after that to him? Seems like a huge plot hole
All it takes is a bit of searching to get your answer…
It’s just really weird to recite the biblical account of the resurrection and then just ignore that it also accounts for his ascension.
You can disagree with it and mock it, but it’s certainly not a plot hole. You can find other plot holes to argue about, but the bible clearly says he flew up to heaven…
He may have been an actual human, but a lot of the stories were taken from previous religions. It’s like a bad bunch of fanfic. Plus I read they voted on him being a god.
I once knew a guy who did that and he wasn’t even able to save himself, nor was he very big on “peace”, “love thy neighbour” or “turn the othet cheek” stuff. He would stab you in dark alley if you crossed him.
Okay. Look, it was documented, he was real, he existed. All the other stuff though, I’m not sure he did all that 😆. It’s basically all church propaganda. I mean the church obviously had an agenda and they divined up a natural speaker/teacher of morals.
“Christ” as in the son of God as we read about in the Bible, “Christ” clearly did not exist. If there was an individual who served as the historic basis, that is something else entirely. It’s like saying Christopher Robin or Carrol’s Alice was a real person. Or the characters from Dante’s Inferno. They are fictional reflections of people that exist not to tell us about the history of that potentially real person but for literary reasons.
My take, and far as I know it’s unique to me, is that Jesus existed, probably did some preaching, and was crucified. There were a lot of streetcorner ranters back then and the Romans did crucify a lot of people. And they were halfway decent about keeping records.
The Jesus we know is a fiction created by the Romans to pacify the Jews. The Jews made shitty slaves but were awaiting a messiah so the Romans gave them one, but made him a wimp. A slave god. Be a good slave and you’ll get a nice reward for it after you die. It would have worked, too, except the Romans didn’t understand Jungian psychology. They didn’t realize what a shadow self they were creating by insisting people emulate an archetype of pure empathy.
Basically, I see Christianity as the result of social engineering from a couple millennia ago, and its worldwide dominance is due to its accidentally militaristic nature.
I always figured the apostles must have cast a new Jesus after the crucifixion. How many people really knew what he looked like, and hihard could it have been to find a doppelganger?
But, the Bible says he died at age 34.
Also, no one fucking knows. At all. It’s all stories written long after the facts, and the “facts” were as likely just fiction.
It’s all bullshit.
He may have died in reality, but can a man this swole really die?
man was turning water into whey
He turned water into wine by pressing it with his massive swole thighs.
And he blessed the fish and loaves with his swole biceps and lo, they did turn into pure whey protein powder.
And Lazarus did die, but then Jesus bench pressed the death out of him so hard he came back to life.
And he could walk on water because he punched a wave so hard the ocean was scared of him forever and kept him from sinking.
And the giant boulder in front of his tomb? He wasn’t dead and buried, that was his exercise boulder and he just sat it down to have a power nap before lifting the mountain by himself.
they say the spear grew three sizes that day they stabbed it into him
How did Jesus die? I mean after he died and came back to life? He resurrected and so did tons of people in a nearby graveyard and they all walked through the nearest town (yes this is very literally what’s written about the resurrection in the bible) then what? He just went to a hill and floated away? What happens after that to him? Seems like a huge plot hole
I knew Zombie Jesus was real!
And the zombie hoarde lumbered into Jerusalem and they did feast on many brains and it was good. Amen.
All it takes is a bit of searching to get your answer…
It’s just really weird to recite the biblical account of the resurrection and then just ignore that it also accounts for his ascension.
You can disagree with it and mock it, but it’s certainly not a plot hole. You can find other plot holes to argue about, but the bible clearly says he flew up to heaven…
He allegedly basically went “vwoop” straight up to heaven, also so did his mom for some reason.
Some say he continues to walk around to this day… that would kinda suck
Zombie Jesus isn’t real he can’t hurt you.
Zombie Jesus:
Adapted along the time to please the people in power
He may have been an actual human, but a lot of the stories were taken from previous religions. It’s like a bad bunch of fanfic. Plus I read they voted on him being a god.
I don’t see the problem with voting to see which god you wanna worship
Can I vote for Cthulhu? Probably would kick Jesus’s ass.
Uh, we got a Cthulhu Johnson and a Cthuhlu Johnson running for God. which one you voting for?
edit: and a Cthulhu Jergensen. big year for Cthulhus.
Even if he wasn’t actually a god and was just a person?
So you’ve heard about my second cult, Dave-ology
Nah, he walked over water and everything and it was great. I guess you had to be there.
I heard he walked on the water and then the water turned to wine and then they made babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me!
The baby looked at you? Mary, call the Sanhedron.
Can confirm, I was the water
Pics or it didn’t happen
Jesus was way cool
And he built my hotrod.
The fuck they put in that water, makes people think they can see other people walking on it
and then everyone clapped
The guy in the bible who talked to a bush probably just did a bunch of mushrooms lmao
I once knew a guy who did that and he wasn’t even able to save himself, nor was he very big on “peace”, “love thy neighbour” or “turn the othet cheek” stuff. He would stab you in dark alley if you crossed him.
Okay. Look, it was documented, he was real, he existed. All the other stuff though, I’m not sure he did all that 😆. It’s basically all church propaganda. I mean the church obviously had an agenda and they divined up a natural speaker/teacher of morals.
Yeah paul bunyan was documented too lmao
“Christ” as in the son of God as we read about in the Bible, “Christ” clearly did not exist. If there was an individual who served as the historic basis, that is something else entirely. It’s like saying Christopher Robin or Carrol’s Alice was a real person. Or the characters from Dante’s Inferno. They are fictional reflections of people that exist not to tell us about the history of that potentially real person but for literary reasons.
@jerkface @ironpangolin29
My take, and far as I know it’s unique to me, is that Jesus existed, probably did some preaching, and was crucified. There were a lot of streetcorner ranters back then and the Romans did crucify a lot of people. And they were halfway decent about keeping records.
The Jesus we know is a fiction created by the Romans to pacify the Jews. The Jews made shitty slaves but were awaiting a messiah so the Romans gave them one, but made him a wimp. A slave god. Be a good slave and you’ll get a nice reward for it after you die. It would have worked, too, except the Romans didn’t understand Jungian psychology. They didn’t realize what a shadow self they were creating by insisting people emulate an archetype of pure empathy.
Basically, I see Christianity as the result of social engineering from a couple millennia ago, and its worldwide dominance is due to its accidentally militaristic nature.
I always figured the apostles must have cast a new Jesus after the crucifixion. How many people really knew what he looked like, and hihard could it have been to find a doppelganger?