Please get an appointment with an psychiatrist and start looking out for an therapist before the ruminations (that’s what that is called) turn darker. A partner will not help with this more than in the short term, I speak from long years of experience.

There are multiple probable causes for ruminations: depression, trauma and personality disorders are the most common ones. only a psychiatrist can get you an correct diagnosis, which will help pinpoint where the ruminations come from, but the way out is always therapy.

But you can be sure that you are not bad or gross or something like that - your mind is just fixated on bad thoughts and experiences. Others will have a completely different picture of you. Knowing how my mind works when caught in my “loop”, you don’t believe one word of that, but it still needed to be said :-)

That’s… Depression.

However, I am not a psychologist. Either way, those are not healthy thinking patterns and you should probably see a therapist to find out in more detail what is happening in your own mind before jumping to a relationship. Mostly because those kind of thoughts aren’t going to magically stop once you’re in a relationship, you’ll just be doing the same thing… just with a partner, who may well be understandably confused and hurt by such thinking.

I strongly suggest finding a therapist you like and trust… and I understand that’s not always easy. It’s definitely easier said than done.

If you can question if you’re bad or good, then you’re likely good. A bad person wouldn’t even ask the question.

With that said it sounds like you likely have Major Depressive Disorder along with feelings of some guilt over the partner you’ve lost. My suggestion as a former psychiatrist, is you speak to your general physician, request a referral to see a therapist asap.

In the meantime a good doctor will suggest you start a medication like Prozac (but it can take 6 months to take effect and there’s alternatives like Celexa, Zoloft, Cymbalta). And all I can suggest try getting outside more and get some vitamin B, even if it means sitting in your backyard and reading a book for 5 minutes.

Also, the next time these thoughts come up, try practicing controlling your breathing. These thoughts are common now, so you need to try reasoning with that part of yourself, assert yourself over your negative thoughts and calmly remind yourself; you are in control. You can still make changes and it’s never too late for a second or even third chance.

Aside what the helpful other comment said, it might as well be something of the neurodiversity spectrum that you don’t know of yourself. This may help you a lot understanding yourself and the source of your thoughts.

For me it seemed like yeah thats obviously depression, no, not it, then oh yeah totally hsp and it still might be, and adhs well kinda similar but still not it… And at some point I will know for sure. Well for myself I do but the diagnosis is underway now.

Insecurity, self doubt, anxiety. To me it sounds like you might have had bullies or someone that used lots of put downs in your life.

I’d imagine you have plenty of room to love and be loved. Having a boyfriend/girlfriend really is less about being worthy and more about wanting one. Why do I say that? Because there are plenty of nasty people in relationships and nasty people single. Same goes for good people.

I’d probably focus on why you are having these thoughts, and if you can, find a good therapist that works with you.

In the meantime meet men, join a club or social event for something you like that also exposes you to men.

As far as sex goes, a good partner will listen to you and work with you. A good partner cares that you enjoy it and feel comfortable and loved. My spouse sees themselves as gross sometimes, but I very rarely see them that way. As long as the hygiene is reasonable, I don’t have issues. But we communicate well, talk through it, and have a good time.

Something to keep in mind, I wouldn’t want to love myself intimately the way they do with me, but I love to be intimate with them in a way they wouldn’t do with themselves. My point is, let them love you and in return you love them back. They can decide what “gross” is for them and through communication you both set your boundaries, be it sex or daily life.

That ended up being a lot. Anyways, always remember to focus on self care when you are unwell. Remember that others may love the flaws that you don’t like, you might do the same for someone else one day too.