My old boyfriend died in 2015 (from diabetes) and I’ve been single since then. I also don’t know if I’ll like having sex or not. I am sexually attracted to men/am straight but I don’t know. It’s like the idea of someone doing that to me, I’d find it embarrassing because I’m gross.
Don’t have advice, I just want to wish you luck. You’re valid and deserve love, we all do.
Firstly I’m very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what that must feel like. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way because I doubt you’re as ‘gross’ as you think you are. (We’re our own worst enemies) But, what if you are gross? Why does it only matter to you that you think others would think so and not the other way around, as well?
Why not just embrace it for a bit and maybe encounter someone who adores your gross? What one person finds gross, another will love.
You have options.
A) You can seek out people to meet and date while thinking you’re gross and I can almost guarantee you your self esteem would be more of a turn off than anything that you may personally think is a turn off. Low confidence is a huge factor in attraction.
B) You can seek out people to meet and date while thinking you’re gross and you attract someone who preys on your low self esteem. They will encourage you to improve and the change will only be their image of improvement. It won’t be you. It won’t be authentic improvement. You’ll further lose yourself. Your validation and self worth will be wrapped up in a cycle of emotional abuse that will take just as long to recover from as your past loss did.
C) You can force yourself to embrace the idea that you’re gross anyway so why not find someone that is ok with that. Sort of a ‘come as you are’ mentality. Why change just so you can attract someone who’ll finally love what you pretend to be? Instead, rock up anywhere and just BAM, “Deal with it &$&-$&#&#'s. I’m here, love it or hate it”
Honestly, Hun. It’s just so unrealistic to think there aren’t going to be people out there that will not vibe with you no matter what you do. You could be a 10/10 celeb with all the money and there will always be someone out there that can criticize something about you. The beauty of the human condition is that we’re all so different yet we’re still all quite similar in that we all want to be accepted. It’s daunting but also exhilarating to accept that you will not please everyone, you will not be loved by everyone. You will not be everyone’s special snowflake. You are your own worst enemy if you think that’s ever possible.
D) You can go on a journey of self improvement. Why do you think you’re gross? Work small improvements into your routine that you, personally want to improve on. Tiny manageable habits at first, for example, getting a decent haircut and asking the stylist for a simple ways to maintain it and style it.
Setting a timer for 20 minutes and straightening up your living space. Every other day or three at first. Stop when the timer goes off if it burns you out or keep going if you’ve gotten in a groove. 20 minutes isn’t long so it’s not as daunting as planning a whole deep clean day that could overwhelm you. You can still get more than you expect accomplished it 20 minutes. Then over time you can increase that to 20 minutes every day or an hour every other day or so. Adjust it to your own personal ‘timer’.
However you go about that is up to you, the limitations of resources available to you and your own expectations of yourself. Those were only off the top of my head examples but I hope you understand what I’m trying to say.
Take time to identify that “why”. Why do you think you’re gross? What are the most simple baby steps you can take to improve them? Start small and work up from there when you meet your own expectations.
I will always tell you to go with © and (D) and blend to find your own happiness whether it’s with someone else or just yourself. C is a more realistic mentality to have in a world that forces unrealistic expectations on you. D will reinforce that mentality in the way that’s best and more realistic for you. Work to become the person you want to be and then shrug off your detractors and allow the rest of the world and anyone who likes you to meet you half way. When you find yourself attractive, when you are content even while you acknowledge your imperfections, you will attract people that want to be with who you are not what they want you to be.
We’re all gross, and we’re all ugly, and we all deserve love. You are included in that equation.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Sex is not the only part of a relationship, and being sexually attracted does not mean you should ever feel coerced into it.
Sex is embarrassing, gross, and silly. With the right person that’s okay and worth doing, with the wrong person it’s not. Your feelings of embarrassment are common and you’re not broken or anything.
For me relationships are about comfort and belonging more than physical satisfaction, maybe that’s the thing you’re looking for?
They say there’s somebody for everyone, no matter if you’re pretty or ugly, someone will find you beautiful and love you, try not to let your doubts keep that kind of person away if that’s something you’re hoping for.
On the other hand, relationships are just one flavor in the medley of flavors life has to offer, society may say you have no worth without an SO but that’s patently false.
You might need a best friend over a boyfriend.
First of all, I’m impressed you’re reaching out for other perspectives. It’s far too easy to get stuck with your thoughts beating down on yourself.
Something therapists often train you to ask is “are there external reasons for those thoughts?”, as thoughts come and go much of their own volition, that’s just how brains do. Sometimes there’s good reason for thoughts, a lot of the time it’s just “what-ifs”.
It sounds to me that there are multiple layers to your story. Saying you feel like you don’t deserve someone as well as the ruminating self doubt sounds over such a long time sounds like Major Depression. It’s a nasty thing that makes a lot of other things harder, medication and therapy usually make things easier so that you have the resources to affect whatever else you’d like to affect.
If medical attention isn’t available where you’re at, you’re still gonna have to adress those issues, it’s just going to be harder. You will need a way to get out of ruts, set strengthening habits, build and use a support network, and learn to manage the depression. Again, all to free up resources to address the rest.
A lot happens within us when we lose a partner, and even more when we survive one. Maybe some of the self doubt comes from that, maybe from how you were coping, maybe from feeling down for an extended time, maybe something else. Therapists are trained in talking through these things, but journalling and talking to friends can also help. One tool is to aim to understand your feelings and with compassion accept that you felt and did as best you could, you can easily find others.
As for the sexuality thing - depression does weird things both to self image, libido, and sexuality. I had a bit similar experience to your’s where I found no attraction or lust, but as I got better a lot came back (and some things changed).
On the off chance that it’s actually not just depression messing, I’ll mention that sexuality is a complex thing and it’s common to have thoughts and feelings about it, just as it changes and develops with time, people, situations, etc.
It’s entirely possible to be attracted and sexrepulsed, sometimes it’s helpful to split attraction for different aspects. You could be aesthetically attracted to someone who appeals on looks, or you could be romantically attracted to someone you’d like to court (or be courted by), beyond sexually attracted by someone you want to share bodyparts with you, some people will tick multiple attractions (including ones not mentioned here). With some forethought and clear communication, it’s entirely possible to build long term relationships around all combinations of these, and crucially without one or more of these.
I would agree that genitals are gross and weird, but then again I like doing stuff to them on people I’d like to share pleasure with. As someone else mentioned, I would never enjoy handling my own genitals the way others seem to enjoy immensely, and vice versa. Beyond basic hygiene (wash with water, let dry, keep clean of litter), that’s just how genitals are.
Then there’s also contrasts between being repulsed by the thought, not understanding, and not wanting to stimulate such genitals. All are valid, and with a little insight you might live happily with where you’re comfortable. If the thought of someone handling your genitals repulses you, maybe don’t do that and make sure to choose a partner that accepts that. If you don’t want to stimulate someone with similar genitals, you’re encouraged not to, it’s common enough to be called “straight”. If you don’t understand but you’re fine with someone enjoying your genitals, choose someone you enjoy enjoying you.
In the spirit of pride month you might have access to resources for the terms ace/asexual, aro/aromantic, gray/graysexual, RA/relationship anarchy, heterosexuality, situational sexuality, reproductive health.
I have a friend who went through something pretty similar, ended up spending ten years alone except for when people would come over to see him.
Eventually he pulled out of it and is married now, And if everything can work out for him, then it can work out for you too.
And also, like, don’t worry about your opinion of yourself and thinking that you’re gross, because it really doesn’t matter. Like, the things that you’re concerned about are never the things that other people are concerned about.
If you are clean and somewhat presentable, everything else can take care of itself. No matter what you look like or what you think you look like, there is going to be somebody out there who sees you as the most attractive, beautiful, desirable being on the planet if you give them the opportunity.
It sounds like you’ve got deeper issues than just not having a partner.
If it’s a possibility for you, I highly recommend talking through your self image issues with a therapist.
Haven’t lost a partner before, but I’ve experienced the feeling of questioning my value. Know others in similar places. Don’t overthink it. It won’t make it better. I’ve found it’s better to act and reflect then mope and regret.
I’d find it embarrassing because I’m gross.
It sounds like you’re suffering from depressive issues. Everyone deserves love and nearly everyone is sexually attractive to at least someone. With roughly 4 billion potential mates (give or take a few hundred million), you have what is honestly near infinite possibilities for finding someone who loves you for who you are.
However, it might help to get help for the depression first. Anyway, everyone deserves love and to be desired. That includes you.
You have been single for ten years, it’s time to free yourself and at least try to find someone. As someone else who is single and also struggles with depression and self-image issues, I wish you all the best.
It’s not depression it’s more like… “am I a good or a bad person” “I’m bad” “okay maybe I’m good” “no, I’m bad” “am I mature enough to handle this I’m immature” “no I’m mature” “no I’m immature I can’t handle a relationship” “I’m lonely I need someone” “no I don’t need someone, I don’t deserve someone” “everyone’s better than me” stuff like that in rapid succession, constantly alternating as an inner voice kind of thing
Please get an appointment with an psychiatrist and start looking out for an therapist before the ruminations (that’s what that is called) turn darker. A partner will not help with this more than in the short term, I speak from long years of experience.
There are multiple probable causes for ruminations: depression, trauma and personality disorders are the most common ones. only a psychiatrist can get you an correct diagnosis, which will help pinpoint where the ruminations come from, but the way out is always therapy.
But you can be sure that you are not bad or gross or something like that - your mind is just fixated on bad thoughts and experiences. Others will have a completely different picture of you. Knowing how my mind works when caught in my “loop”, you don’t believe one word of that, but it still needed to be said :-)
That’s… Depression.
However, I am not a psychologist. Either way, those are not healthy thinking patterns and you should probably see a therapist to find out in more detail what is happening in your own mind before jumping to a relationship. Mostly because those kind of thoughts aren’t going to magically stop once you’re in a relationship, you’ll just be doing the same thing… just with a partner, who may well be understandably confused and hurt by such thinking.
I strongly suggest finding a therapist you like and trust… and I understand that’s not always easy. It’s definitely easier said than done.
To me it sounds like something other than depression, however it doesn’t matter because you are clearly right, these are extremely unhealthy thinking patterns and it is a symptom of maybe bigger issues you need to address.
And it is true, everyone deserves love and there’s nothing about you that makes you categorically undesirable. Just some things specific people like or don’t like about you.
You should consider talking to a therapist, or at least someone who is not involved with you day-to-day but understands you. Having someone reality check your thoughts, especially those ones, can be extremely helpful to get a better frame of reference against those toxic thoughts, that are often times not rooted in reality.g
If you can question if you’re bad or good, then you’re likely good. A bad person wouldn’t even ask the question.
With that said it sounds like you likely have Major Depressive Disorder along with feelings of some guilt over the partner you’ve lost. My suggestion as a former psychiatrist, is you speak to your general physician, request a referral to see a therapist asap.
In the meantime a good doctor will suggest you start a medication like Prozac (but it can take 6 months to take effect and there’s alternatives like Celexa, Zoloft, Cymbalta). And all I can suggest try getting outside more and get some vitamin B, even if it means sitting in your backyard and reading a book for 5 minutes.
Also, the next time these thoughts come up, try practicing controlling your breathing. These thoughts are common now, so you need to try reasoning with that part of yourself, assert yourself over your negative thoughts and calmly remind yourself; you are in control. You can still make changes and it’s never too late for a second or even third chance.
Could it be vitamin D from the sun?
Aside what the helpful other comment said, it might as well be something of the neurodiversity spectrum that you don’t know of yourself. This may help you a lot understanding yourself and the source of your thoughts.
For me it seemed like yeah thats obviously depression, no, not it, then oh yeah totally hsp and it still might be, and adhs well kinda similar but still not it… And at some point I will know for sure. Well for myself I do but the diagnosis is underway now.
Insecurity, self doubt, anxiety. To me it sounds like you might have had bullies or someone that used lots of put downs in your life.
I’d imagine you have plenty of room to love and be loved. Having a boyfriend/girlfriend really is less about being worthy and more about wanting one. Why do I say that? Because there are plenty of nasty people in relationships and nasty people single. Same goes for good people.
I’d probably focus on why you are having these thoughts, and if you can, find a good therapist that works with you.
In the meantime meet men, join a club or social event for something you like that also exposes you to men.
As far as sex goes, a good partner will listen to you and work with you. A good partner cares that you enjoy it and feel comfortable and loved. My spouse sees themselves as gross sometimes, but I very rarely see them that way. As long as the hygiene is reasonable, I don’t have issues. But we communicate well, talk through it, and have a good time.
Something to keep in mind, I wouldn’t want to love myself intimately the way they do with me, but I love to be intimate with them in a way they wouldn’t do with themselves. My point is, let them love you and in return you love them back. They can decide what “gross” is for them and through communication you both set your boundaries, be it sex or daily life.
That ended up being a lot. Anyways, always remember to focus on self care when you are unwell. Remember that others may love the flaws that you don’t like, you might do the same for someone else one day too.
I agree with the other comment. Everyone deserves love and there is someone who will desire you. I would seek therapy as something that may help, it always help me. Look in the mirror, when your getting ready for your day and say to yourself. "I am beautiful, I am wanted, I am awesome " Do that everyday, because you are. I am positive you have something wonderful to bring to a relationship, and there is someone out there wanting your love in return.
Share something if you like that you enjoy doing, a hobby. What’s the last book you read, or movie you enjoyed. I am interested to learn new things and it can help by talking about things you enjoy.
If you were talking about someone else, you would probably say something along the lines of “everyone deserves to be loved” so when you start being down on yourself, just remember that though means one of two things:
Either you really are somehow the worst human being who ever lived and somehow the first who truly doesn’t deserve to be loved, or your brain is just being mean right now.
I feel like men sometimes look at women as “there’s my fuckhole”, and I feel like women sometimes look at men as “there’s my validation”.
In both cases, the person is wrong for thinking of the other gender as being there exclusively to fill the role that they’ve cast for the other.
I’ve dated women where I wasn’t me. I was “the boyfriend”. A role that literally any male could have played. Because who I was didn’t matter. My personality wasn’t being considered. My needs and wants and goals weren’t given any thought because to these women, none of that mattered. I was there exclusively to fill the role of validating her insecurities that she is able to find someone, anyone, to love her.
On the flip side of that, I have in decades gone by been guilty of fucking a girl, simply because she let me. Where I realized our personalities didn’t mesh. We weren’t going to last long term. So just shut the fuck up as I fuck you in the ass.
The one major difference, is that in my ex’s case, she was lying to herself that I mattered. So therefore she was also lying to me, because she was trying to convince herself that we were a match.
Whereas I tried to date the girl I eventually just fucked. But after a month, I realized our personalities did not mesh. So I was upfront. She was free to leave, or free to be bend over and be treated like a human sex doll.
Although I can’t say all guys will be honest if they’re just using you for sex.
The point is, you need to ask yourself if you want “a boyfriend” or if you want to start dating (insert person’s name here) because (person) makes you happy when you’re around them.
And watch out for guys just using you for sex. If you’re fine with it, it can be a lot of fun. You’re free to try out kinks judgement free without long term consequence.
But if you’re NOT fine with casual sex, you need to know that’s what it is.
Let’s keep it simple. Are you doing enough in regards to personal hygiene?
If you are making the effort of washing yourself every day and keeping clean, then you deserve some appreciation.
If you aren’t, then start with that. Raise yourself up so that you can think “I’m fresh as fuck and I deserve some lovin’ for it!” and you’ll be good to go.
The whole notion of “deserve” here is nothing more than a silly story we tell ourselves because other people teach us to believe it. It’s real, but you can change it. So maybe try changing it.
Instead of “I deserve a boyfriend” or “I don’t deserve a boyfriend”, try thinking “This is just a dumb story. It doesn’t mean anything. I either have a boyfriend or I don’t. That’s it.” Maybe it changes something in you. Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it takes time and many repetitions. It doesn’t cost much to try.
Peace.
Yeah, I mean I’ve never just made the decision that I’m gonna find someone to be with. Just live life and work on yourself, all my relationships have just naturally happened through regular social interaction
Not adding anything of value here; just want to point out your username is based.
Don’t hate durians till you tried one!
I fucking love durians.
tasted very metalic to me :(
Your thoughts are valid. But that’s the thing - they’re just thoughts. They won’t hurt you and nobody will judge you for having them.
Thoughts and emotions flow in and out of your awareness for a reason. If you want to come to a decision, you have to first understand where your thoughts and emotions are coming from. You should analyze them objectively as they come without indulging them further. Kind of like analyzing why movie characters do the things they do but for yourself.
Why do you feel like you don’t deserve a boyfriend? Why do you feel like you’re gross? What do you think is causing these feelings?
